We moved across the country about two years ago. Me, my hubby and my 5 boys who at the time ranged in age from 6-13. We tried to approach it as a huge adventure moving from the dry desert to the steamy south. The boys caught the vision and from day … oh … about day 14 … they began to thrive. So did hubby who loves his job, the armer weather and our then new surroundings. Everyone thrived. Everyone but me …
I have been plagues with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life but they come and go and generally have been managable. I had a HORRIBLE bout during college right after I got married to my first husband … horrible horrible horrible … everyday dawned with a new syptmon, a new fear, a new nuerosis (did I spell that wrong?) Anyway, I eventually recovered using meds, a shrink and just time to heal me. After about two years I was back on track again and doing okay. Life moves on … divorce, school, mission, marriage … faired pretty well all things considered and then …. one day, 6 month pregnant, hubby driving me to work we get in this major car accident. I attribute the Lord with our survival … the car was totally trashed, DH (who had NOT put on his seatbelt that day) cracked the windshield wide but came away with only three stitches where his knee rammed into the dash. I came away black and blue where the seatbelt, thank heavens I wore it that day, slammed me. Most important the babe, our first, was perfect. Physically we came away virtually unscathed. But BAM, you guessed it, the panic came back ten fold and I struggled through the rest of the pregnanc y and much of the next few years suffering from anxiety and panic. But again … got through it … doing okay … then 3 friends died all in three months of each other … two of which I was very close to, one of which was my best friend (besides the hub). Panic came back 100 fold this time and took longer to leave but once again I used meds and counceling and faith to get me through. I recovered. Sort of. Then the move ….
As I said everyone began to thrive in our new home almost immediately. Everyone but me. Panic came back this time crippling me, 100X100.
You know how sometimes you don't want to be around people when you have anxiety? Well my anxiety and panic center around my health and probably a good dose of hypochondiac-ism (is that even a word?) so while I feared the outside world and driving and just people in general I also had a need to be out so that if I was really dying and not just having a panic attack someone could save me. How pathetic, right? Anyway .. once again I trounce off to a therapist and get some meds which worked somewhat and to avoid dying in my home … enroll in college … good plan right? Occupied, around people so if I drop dead they can revive me, learning something … good plan! I started to really feel okay and recover and get it together … and then the money ran out and I had to stop school. I had to. I have 5 children to put through college send on missions, heck just FEED! We go through at leats one gallon of milk a day if not two … they are the light of my life and amazing people … but they "cost" ALOT 🙂
So I quit college and decided to write a book in my spare time. That and every day chores helped alleviate the impending feeling of doom that lurked over my shoulder ready to pour down rain and anxiety and panic at any moment. I have even gotten quite far on the book, but as time has marched on I find myself more and more anxious. That umbrella ,so to speak, that is holding off the perverbial rain (my writing, voice teaching, chores) isn't working so well anymore. I find myself more and more focused on those little pains, chest discomfort (I have esophageal spasms), stomach aches, headaches etc… and of course all of those things translate into a heartattack or a stroke or cancer. Which makes me scared, which triggers anxiety which triggers panic which triggers … sigh … you know the drill 🙁 It's crazy. And in the mean time I am focused less and less on the book and housework and afterschool snacks and activities I should be planning…which of course frustrates the family which aggrivates the already pressing anxiety (BIG BIG *SIGH*)
I really though I was done with this. I guess everytime I emerge from the anxiety vortex 🙂 I feel like I have triumphed and am done but lately I have come to realize that I may NEVER be done. That I might have to fight my way out over and over for the rest of my life and I just don't know if I can take that. (BIGGEST *SIGH* OF ALL) I will take it, of course, cause that is the hand I have been dealt and I will deal (no pun intended but I always like a good pun intended or not) with it. But you may know what I mean.
So here I go again … only this time I have found the Tribe! Back up, so to speak,(YEAH!!!! ) so I look forward to many associations here. Hope I can help you … REALLY hope you can help me 😉 and together maybe we can beat this one more time!