Yesterday I went to see my therapist and told her about my aspirations for the future – I finally told her something that I've wanted to talk about for a long time – my birth mom.

When I was five I was adopted, and in my mind my birth mom was always the good guy – my dad wasn't. Because of this hatred I've come to be uncomfortable and even have feelings of hate towards my adoptive father now – I don't have a good relationship with him.

My mom told me that my birth mom seemed nervous – not nervous for any particular reason, that's just the way she was. By hearing this and other things about her personality that people automatically noticed when they saw her, I have a feeling I got my OCD and other mind defects from her – but that's not the only thing.

During the adoption case, she was a no show most of the time. That may have been because of anxiety, I'll give her that. But it seems like she wasn't as great a person as I always thought she was.

My birth father denied that I was his kid – I have wavy hair and am short like him though – but he got custody of my big sister. Which means my mom wasn't fit to raise a kid at the time. But what I'm getting at is – I had an image in my mind that's been there forever. But now it's been shattered with reality. My dad was 20 years older than my mom. Her family rejected her – so she was looking for that father figure. Because of my daddy complex then and now I feel like I may become like her and it's terrifying to me.

She's not the amazing selfless woman I thought she was, it sounds like she had some real problems. And it hurts so bad thinking about her. It's making my OCD go haywire. I feel like it shouldn't be this big of a deal, but even though I feel that I keep on crying at random times. I feel sick when I'm alone. I'm going to Kentucky tomorrow – maybe that will clear my head. But after experiencing this I'm wondering how many other false realities I may have in my head.

1 Comment
  1. RainbowSprinkles 9 years ago

    You are your own person, just because issues happened to your mom doesn't mean you will become the same way. For one thing, you are seeing a therapist and that means you are aware of your anxiety issues and working to stop them. Also, if you ever truly feel yourself behaving like your mom, you always have your therapist to help you nip an issue in the bud!

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