Yesterday I went to see my therapist and told her about my aspirations for the future – I finally told her something that I've wanted to talk about for a long time – my birth mom.
When I was five I was adopted, and in my mind my birth mom was always the good guy – my dad wasn't. Because of this hatred I've come to be uncomfortable and even have feelings of hate towards my adoptive father now – I don't have a good relationship with him.
My mom told me that my birth mom seemed nervous – not nervous for any particular reason, that's just the way she was. By hearing this and other things about her personality that people automatically noticed when they saw her, I have a feeling I got my OCD and other mind defects from her – but that's not the only thing.
During the adoption case, she was a no show most of the time. That may have been because of anxiety, I'll give her that. But it seems like she wasn't as great a person as I always thought she was.
My birth father denied that I was his kid – I have wavy hair and am short like him though – but he got custody of my big sister. Which means my mom wasn't fit to raise a kid at the time. But what I'm getting at is – I had an image in my mind that's been there forever. But now it's been shattered with reality. My dad was 20 years older than my mom. Her family rejected her – so she was looking for that father figure. Because of my daddy complex then and now I feel like I may become like her and it's terrifying to me.
She's not the amazing selfless woman I thought she was, it sounds like she had some real problems. And it hurts so bad thinking about her. It's making my OCD go haywire. I feel like it shouldn't be this big of a deal, but even though I feel that I keep on crying at random times. I feel sick when I'm alone. I'm going to Kentucky tomorrow – maybe that will clear my head. But after experiencing this I'm wondering how many other false realities I may have in my head.