This is my first time on any type of blog… site… whatever it\'s called. I could not fall asleep tonight and I could feel one of those oh so lovely panic attacks coming along (havent had one in a while). I don\'t know why my panic attacks rear their ugly heads when they do anymore. I have been recieving therapy since I was about 19 but it got a lot worse from there until I was 21 and actually recieved proper treatment. I am 24 now and life is sooooooooo much better but every day is a grind and it just feels uncontrollable some days/nights. Like tonight. So i searched out some site where other people have the disorder I have. I just can\'t stand being alone in this sometimes. People just really dont understand what OCD is so often and think its some corky eccentric thing where you wash your hands all day. People have no idea how painful it is mentally and physically. I am exausted.

I have cut, I\'ve cried, Ive starved myself, Ive punched myself, slammed doors on myself, stayed up nights, heaved and screamed for air, hidden away in my apartment, yelled for help, ruminated, guilted myself, fallen apart and came back together again….

My life has improved in an innumerable way. But I\'m still scared most of the time. I still cant do things I want to do sometimes- like take a walk or just go for a drive. I have a husband, an apartment, im in grad school at johns hopkins… thank goodness I have such good things- but Im petrified of crumbling again and losing it all.

How do you guys cope? How do you know when you should feel guilty or if its just the OCD talking? How do you mentally deal with maybe self destructive things you\'ve done in the past?

 

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    You will be ok.  Hopkins does have therapy for this stuff.  You said with therapy it’s better but still hard.  That is so true.  It does take a long time.  I find that I supplement the therapy with journaling.  I write down my fears, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts as they occur. If I have the presence of mind, I also write down the date, the time of day and what the weather is like.  If my writing reminds me of an event that preceeded the episodes, I write those too.  I try to keep writing until the energy level of what is going in subsides.  I usually feel better, at least for a while.  It seems like I learned something over the years about this process.  I usually can see a downer coming and prepare for it, by taking as much stress as possible off of me at the time.  I try to do controlled breathing, for at least 20 minutes.  Then I try to go for a walk.  All these things bring some relief and that and my medications and I’ve leveled off.  It isn’t that it never get episodes, it is less frequent and less severe.  It didn’t happen over night.  I now experience joy, contentment, and peace of mind which as you know were once rare commodities.

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  2. gettingbetter13 12 years ago

    this is my first time reaching out to other people with OCD and I never realized how helpful it might be. Thank you all for your comments. Thank you for making me feel like other people can relate! I used to be so sarcastic- now I’m bein’ all mushy…

    seriously though- thank you.

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