i slept until noon today. probably from the sheet of valium i took last night – one of the worst nights in my recent history.

my partner was on his first phone call with a fellow warrior for justice, an internet contact and now friend (of both of us) from around midnight to 5am this morning and i was in bed feeling… abandoned? alone? in need of validation?

i felt really uncomfortable, like a part of me was missing or the top layer of my skin had been stripped off. i slept in my clothes and told my partner when he joined me in bed and asked me to get undressed that they were protecting me from the bad atmosphere. we spooned as per usual and i slept easier with him next to me and after he got up.

i've considered jealousy but really don't think it was that – i've felt that before and reacted to it – the emptiness i felt last night was really quite profound, whatever it was, it goes way beyond sexuality. I trust my partner implicity and actually encouraged him to make the call because he loves to talk all night and i love to sleep.

the feeling was akin to the lonliness i felt when my then 11 year old daughter first went to live with her father and his family and i only saw her on the weekends. this happened 5 years ago but i missed her so much and for so long that i'm in tears as i write this. I sent her off with a smile (and kept my pain to myself) because i thought it would be the best thing for her to experience a 'regular' family with two parents who love each other and siblings to relate to. turned out it was, she is an unique individual and one of my biggest fans 🙂

it was after this that my substance abuse got way out of control and my mental health began to decline more rapidly. my partner pulled me out of the gutter about two years in and he has shown me respect, kindness and understanding every day of the three years since. i can be and am very cruel when drinking or in one of my many dark places. i'm still rounding up my demons and putting them on chains.

i'm going to share this blog with my partner when he wakes up from his nap. this is the kind of thing he begs me to tell him about. communication is key on this journey to wholeness and sobriety. thankyou to the tribe for giving me this opportunity to express myself in an environment without judgement.