Ive been having new pains in my side for awhile now….I think the stress of living with HIV and being in a place I dont understand is wearing me down. I know I should of stayed in San Diego where I at least I know people but its been six years since I moved here and I dont know anybody…..I keep to myself, I have a few friends online and back home but most every I know back home is dead or at a bar somewhere. This place is still unfamiliar to me, I cant see it as home…It seems like a small place yet it is not easy at all to get anything going especially if yourclueless about the workings of the town. A few years ago after getting out of the hospital I reserved myself to the fact that I was going to probly die so I prepared for it…I mean if your going your going regardless of where u are. Ive also noticed I dont hold on to things like I used to. I used to pride myself not so much on possessions but my abilities as a commercial electrician. I always had all kinds of construction stickers on my hardhat, worked hard and had employees under me. I was proud doing what I did even if it meant wearing a 30 lb toolbelt. Now I am in a system that stigmitizes people and aids causes people to become labeled. If you seek help, it means something is wrong…If you seek help enough times your labeled which is what HIV does to people. It is amazing to me that people are so thankful for getting ssdi or ssi and that they wouldnt know what to do without it, I thought about it and In my opinion its the same as holding up a white flag saying 'I surrender!: This to me is sad,,,to think that a human life is only worth a measly few bucks a month..nothing less nothing more….When people settle for this type of thinking its like digging their own grave and admitting defeat. I know this may raise eyebrows but I know what itslike to be homeless, living under a bridge with just a backpack. Ive been there and then went from a backpack to going to school, buying a car, then a truck, then a home…it can be done but at this point I have been there done that, Ive had nice things and lost nice things, I worked myself into the ground and in the end realize none of it really matters in the end. I guess Ive gone full circle and living with aids has shown me that I am a mortal, I can and will die,,,,all I have is this moment but also that we make our own beds and unfortunately in most cases have to lie in them….My side hurts….time to rest…Dave