I just needed a place to come and write down a few things that were going on inside my head. I'm sitting here, head throbbing as usual with the pain focusing behind my eyes and towards my temples, and though it hurts and I'd rather just sit here in silence and darkness, my thoughts continue to race with no signs of slowing down anytime soon.
I thought that this panic/anixiety stuff was just that…panic/anxiety. But the longer it take ahold of my body and mind, I can sense that signs of depression are not far behind. I've been apart from my family for years now, every since I joined the military. My youngest son and I have been in this state, away from family and friends, for almost two years now. None of this has bothered me until recently.
I'm not married, and I never have been. It's just us up here and for the most part, I used to enjoy the adventure that was set before us. Now however, I have to choke back tears at the site of an elderly person walking down the side of the street, or for no reason whatsoever. I used to be outgoing, loud, wonderful, a sparkle that anyone in a room could see, and a person that anyone could depend on no matter what. Now though, I feel as if I'm only a shell of the person I used to be. Between my military life, and my life in general, I feel as if I'm losing the battle.
All my life, I have had to fight for everything that I've gotten. Nothing was really ever handed to me and on the rare occasion that it was, rest assured that somewhere down the line, I had to pay for it with something. I'm getting to that point though, were fighting just isn't worth it most times anymore. I would rather just say "ok" and give up and move on.
I'm tired of being alone, but I don't care so much to fight it and go out there and try and find a partner anymore. If I end up old and alone, then so be it. I don't think I could adjust to living with anyone anways. I haven't had a real relationship since my last bf killed himself in 2005. I've dated, yes, but nothing like a real relationship should be. Nothing solid. I think I would just rather wallow in my self pitty sometimes about being alone rather than step back out there and let someone break my heart again. It's been done too many times and I couldn't take another. I know that I can't.
Thank you for letting me vent here and if you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this blog. I once said that sometimes in the search for perfection, we miss what God made perfectly for us.