This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me ( If anyone even reads this at all)

I'm a separated 40 something American male with depression, avoidant personailty disorder (AvPD), and Anxiety.

I have one child that I see every other weekend and a couple nights during the week. He is with his mother the rest of the time ( I do not have a good relationship with her at all. We will be divorcing eventually)

Ive suffered from depression most of my life and have always been a pessimist. There have been approximately 4 or 5 major depressive times lasting at least a year or more in my adult life ( going through the worst one ever right now, its 4 years and still going strong)

Right now it's at its worst its been in a LONG LONG time and it's hard to even get up and go to work every day ( I hate my job with a passion and dread every day there) I actually missed a few days this week from work because I could noty get out of bed; I felt that bad and still do.

What has me depressed? Relationships, finances, my job, just my shitty life in general. My son has been my inspiration to not harm myself, more than a few times. If it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be or if I would even be!

I am currently on 300 mg of Effexor and just got my Risperadol upped to 3mg because ive felt sooo awful and hopeless lately. I hope it helps.

Ive tried so many meds and seen so many different therapists over the years that I feel like im soon running out of options. I have never been hospitalized for my illness but I fear I am heading there soon if things do not get better soon 🙁 I can only take so much of this internal pain.

I'll post more later but this should serve as a good start for me. Thank you for reading ( if anyone did)

  1. princesswarrior 10 years ago

    I did and I understand.


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  2. borntired 10 years ago

    i am on year two of a major depressive situation. this is the first time i have been this depressed outside of post partum depression.

    i never understood people before who were depressed…now i do, i count that as a positive that has come out of going through this

    are you seeing a counselor, my counselor has pulled me out of suicide and kept me going, it is like going to a weekly cheerleading session

    i have said to myself and believed a lot of lies over the years

    i have gave and gave and gave and acted way beyond my energy level for years and now i have nothing to give, yet giving make me happy

    i am working on building myself back up both mentally,spiritually and physically

    is there any hope of finding a job that you like:?  i don't know how you do it….i don't know if i could get up for a job i hated

    i volunteer one day a week teaching 4-6 year olds and if i didn't love it there is no way i could do it

    hugs to you

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