Today in class I had a mini panic attack. I had every intension in staying for the whole session, but I was just overwhelmed with sorrow I had to tap my group mate and say I have to leave. Then I went up to the teacher and told him sorry but I have to go. I was on the brick of tears. IfI would have stayed a moment longer I would have cried right there in class.
I’m been feeling like shit lately.
I went back to harming myself. Only once a few weeks ago. It started from me blanking out for a few weeks (this can happen at any time). They I start getting feelings of guilt. Like I’ve done something terribly wrong. Then I will get the overwhelming sensation that everyone hates me. That everyone thinks I’m crazy and weird. That I would be better off dead or away from everyone. That my life has no meaning. That I’m a waste of space.
Tomorrow I will find time and go to a yoga class. I need something for me. I need to get out and get some peace and deal with all the shit going on in my head. I feel awful because in all the progress I made since being on the site I never blogged. I only blog when the shit is about to hit the fan. I have to start blogging on good days too.
I really wish to travel to Tibet. Any where I can meditate at a temple. To find myself. To get some spiritual guidance.
I fear that I am at a lost. I want to hold on but I don’t know how to.
The crying was triggered by the fact that I won’t be visiting my cousins this year. My sister doesn’t want to go for money reasons. So I said I will just go. Then she said I was abandoning her. She’s 21 years old. Why can’t she spend a few days at home by herself? Why must I just be the filler in everyone’s life? She plans onstarting a family with a guy currently injail for 2plus years. Who has a history a cheating on her? Ihave pleaded that she leave him but she won’t. Every time I warn her about something she does the opposite and never listens. And then I get stuck with the back lash. I have to pickup thepieces. We planned on moving to Canadato start fresh somewhere.I want to live closer to my cousin.Now she wants to stay because of him. Where does that leaveme? I want to go.But I fear what Iwill leave behind.
I think I needsome time apart from everyone.