Not in a good place today. Very depressed and anxious.

Uncomfortable in work – feeling overwhelmed.

Keep thinking I will get a handle on things. I am onky here 3 weeks but my manager is driving me mad, one day saying it wil take 8 weeks plus to settle in, and then telling me I should be up to speed already

Due to fly to my relatives on Thursday – very stressed out about this.

I am unsure what clothes to bring with me, or how many. Should I check in a bag or not.

Will I get more depressed over there? Will I upset my relations?

How much money should I bring?

I am anxious about wearing a pair of water proof trousers that I wore when I was playing golf.

Some mud got on the bottom of them, and I am concerned that they got contaminated when I was searching for golf balls in undergrowth.

My fear is passing on something to my cousin and the people in the centre he lives in.

This is silly, as I never wash my golf trousers that I use every weekend, and there is no harm. I wouldn’t have picked up anything in the undergrowth, and I on the day I thought that I did I would have cleaned my trousers that day.

I wear the trousers to work as they are good to cycle in with. And will continue to do so. I will wear these going to Manchester. And going out and about and coming home. I will bring a tracksuit bottoms that I can where in the centre. I have another spare pair of trousers if I go visiting or out for a meal.

I am anxious out what foot wear to bring – I think I will just bring walking boots and a pair of slippers, and a pair of runners, but I am better without the runners. I cannot put them in the same bag as my clothes???


I joined a cycling club – to get out and socialise

I went looking for my cycling shoes on Friday, and couldn’t find that. I got very angry and frustrated.

I spend hours looking for them on Saturday morning – I took the shed apart. Looked in my car, front garden, beside windows, back garden, attic , every bedroom. I felt they had been stolen. I went through my room again, and they were there in a container I had looked in on Friday.

This exercise upset everyone in my family. I was cursing shouting and punched a few walls. Even though I knew I didn’t need to use the cycling shoes I could have worn runners instead. I WAS SO DETERMINED TO FIND THEM. Too determined.

I was very upset that it took so long to find my cycling shoes, I felt the searching was a waste of Friday evening and Saturday morning. I could have spent the time more productively.

Also I needed to get 2 spare bicycle tire tubes, in case I got a flat tire.

I was unsure what clothing to wear or it I needed to bring spare clothes.

I did not need the spare clothing. On the day I was told of good clothing to purchase so I will do so.

I will keep my cycling shoes where I can find them – downstairs shower.



Travelling always upsets me. So I feel I should be more relaxed when I get over there and more so on my return, at least I hope so.

Work, is a major stress in my life – out side events make it difficult to manage in work, and in work, I have so much to figure out, it is so difficult

Socialising – I find it very daunting. I have been without a social group of friends for many many years, and I feel embarrassed. I am afraid someone will ask what I do with my friends – which I don’t have.

Family – I still live with my Parents – We get along, however my OCD, anxity stress and depression, makes life difficult. I feel so guilty abut being the way I am. I am disturbing my parents.

I keep saying that I want my life to end. In reality I want my troubles to end. But I am feeling it is too difficult to live like this.

I am angry that I have not yet gotten CBT, but I am unsure if I could cope with it at present – However I have been saying that for years.


I don’t know what to do anymore


Has anyone got through this.


I know I will get over this, I have written blogs before saying I am in a good place. How did I end up back here?



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