Today I find myself in an incredibly low and lonely place. More dreams invaded, more heartache when I wake. I'm walking around today in a daze, with a veil over me that I cannot seem to lift. I tried to keep busy at work this morning, but here I am 2 hours after starting, and there's very little to do. I've been listening to my mp3 player whilst working in the lab in a vain attempt to drown out the thoughts and memories that won't seem to leave me alone.

The thought that bothered me most this morning was simply: Who are my real friends? I woke from a restless night in which my dreams were once again invaded, and really wanted someone to talk to. But when I look at my friends, most of them are male, and while some are very close, over the past few months they all have confided that they feel more for me than just friendship. That makes talking to them about this 'ex' stuff really hard, because I am so conscious of their feelings. That aside, I suddenly realised I have only one close female friend, and she has so much going on in her life at the moment, I couldn't bear the thought of burdening her with my issues as well. I look back to 2 years ago, when if I ever felt like this, I had people I could go and see, friends that would help take my mind off this mess that's inside me. So much has changed and I find myself struggling to accept that this mundane routine of life is all there is for me now. I can't imagine ever loving somebody that intensely – and in turn part of me doesn't want to, for fear of being hurt that badly. A good friend I met here seems to have drifted away – maybe my honesty in not wanting anything more than friendship and my need for my own space and alonetime drove him away. It pains me that I can not ever seem to live up to his expectations of me.

I'm rambling now, mainly because I need to get this out; mainly because I have no single one person I can talk to. I don't want to hear the usual cliches of meeting someone again, feeling that kind of love again – I understand how it works, I know that is a possibility; I know I have to accept my loss and move on in my own mind before this can happen. I have said this a thousand times to others.Quite frankly, I'm much more content with my own company at the moment.

I miss so much from my past life. And while I strive so hard to find a replacement for those things, nothing seems to even come close. I'm not talking about my ex.. but many other things that I lost when that life ended. I find myself sitting here thinking.. if this is all there is, then why am I even bothering?? There's something hurting inside me that hasn't been there for a while. It's like my heart is breaking, all over again.

There's so much more I could write – but this is a blog, not an essay. Maybe I'll write more later.

2 Comments
  1. RZA324 10 years ago

    I understand how you feel.  When my life changed about 4 yrs. ago it wasn't just the end of my marriage, which I wanted, it was my whole identity which I had built with this person and our children. I was in so much pain and did some serious sould searching.  I also broke away from a lot of friends other than two real close male friends, and although they are friends when they know your single it samed to change things.  I have come a long way since then, it still hurts, sometimes on a daily basis but it is less overwhelming, I am content with what I have now and can only say that I for some reason needed to go through all that agony to get to where I am today, still a work in process but at least there is a personal motivation for myself and not anyone else.  Just thought I would share, I hope your journey takes you where you want to go and just be patient with yourself, don't rush it.  Take Care RZA324

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  2. flowermantis 10 years ago

    hi silent,dont you just want to scream when a good male friend whom you think is great and just a good friend and you trust them,all of a sudden come out with the " I actually would like it if we were more than friends" and all that crap.When that happens i just want to scream and say " I loved you as a friend and thought I could trust you but you want more from me,something there is no way in the world i want to give you,I wanted to give you my love and friendship but no,you want more of me ,in that way too!".No I hate it,I dont feel flattered or anything like that ,I feel upset and grossed out and devastated it came to that .there is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone and i know its something we cant ever help,it just happens I guess but i still hate it when a male friend does that to me.

    I have agood male friend at the moment who I get along with well and am farely close to,but I think he sees me as someone he is attratcted to ,( only just sort of confirmed it in my mond after a certain very small incident ) but i have given him the silent messaage of "dont you dare ever say anything like you want me and you to be more than friends,coz i like you a real lot and we have excellent coversations and go to interesting places,dont you dare put that in jeopardy,dont you dare!" now I have never said that in words but he gets it and I hope we can remain good friends.That said,I know exactly how you feel with other friends,i have lost all my old frinds for one reason or another,have only 2 left and one is so involved with there own issues i cant burden them and we live together! Anyway,just had to vent that about male friends to us females,it just makes me so angry! you take good care of yourself and I wish you the very best .

    Flowermantis

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