Today I find myself in an incredibly low and lonely place. More dreams invaded, more heartache when I wake. I'm walking around today in a daze, with a veil over me that I cannot seem to lift. I tried to keep busy at work this morning, but here I am 2 hours after starting, and there's very little to do. I've been listening to my mp3 player whilst working in the lab in a vain attempt to drown out the thoughts and memories that won't seem to leave me alone.
The thought that bothered me most this morning was simply: Who are my real friends? I woke from a restless night in which my dreams were once again invaded, and really wanted someone to talk to. But when I look at my friends, most of them are male, and while some are very close, over the past few months they all have confided that they feel more for me than just friendship. That makes talking to them about this 'ex' stuff really hard, because I am so conscious of their feelings. That aside, I suddenly realised I have only one close female friend, and she has so much going on in her life at the moment, I couldn't bear the thought of burdening her with my issues as well. I look back to 2 years ago, when if I ever felt like this, I had people I could go and see, friends that would help take my mind off this mess that's inside me. So much has changed and I find myself struggling to accept that this mundane routine of life is all there is for me now. I can't imagine ever loving somebody that intensely – and in turn part of me doesn't want to, for fear of being hurt that badly. A good friend I met here seems to have drifted away – maybe my honesty in not wanting anything more than friendship and my need for my own space and alonetime drove him away. It pains me that I can not ever seem to live up to his expectations of me.
I'm rambling now, mainly because I need to get this out; mainly because I have no single one person I can talk to. I don't want to hear the usual cliches of meeting someone again, feeling that kind of love again – I understand how it works, I know that is a possibility; I know I have to accept my loss and move on in my own mind before this can happen. I have said this a thousand times to others.Quite frankly, I'm much more content with my own company at the moment.
I miss so much from my past life. And while I strive so hard to find a replacement for those things, nothing seems to even come close. I'm not talking about my ex.. but many other things that I lost when that life ended. I find myself sitting here thinking.. if this is all there is, then why am I even bothering?? There's something hurting inside me that hasn't been there for a while. It's like my heart is breaking, all over again.
There's so much more I could write – but this is a blog, not an essay. Maybe I'll write more later.