OMG…so frustrated. I went by tonight so he could work on my car (mechanic) and had semi-high hopes that we would be able to discuss things. I really wanted to clear the air and figure out what the “I love you” comment was all about. And yes, I am aware, I should probably just take that at face value and accept that it meant exactly that, but that is not how I am wired. So, we (my son and I) go over, he plays with his little boy and I’m thinking great, time to talk. But I wanted to ease into it. So we made small talk over the show he was watching (mind you, a show that I got him hooked on) and I was thinking that it was going to be a decent evening. No staying over or anything because tomorrow is a school day and I’m already having issues with my little boy because of all the Santa talk. (Personally I think he’s just not into school at the moment, and let’s be honest, who ever is after Thanksgiving break? I mean, you go back for what, 3 weeks, and then get out for almost a month? But I digress.) So, he finishes the episode, says lets go take a look at your car and I hand him the keys. Outside, fiddling with mirror, more small talk, still nothing too heavy. Then I feel like when we go back inside we can sit down while the boys play downstairs and talk about what’s been going on. So what happens? Tele comes back on and other than minor blips about the show, nothing. So I sit there. For a good little while. Getting angrier by the minute. So I say guess I’m heading home, in an attempt to get some kind of response. Nothing. After I spend what feels like 80 hours staring at him, he finally turns and says, “what? do you need my permission or something,” attempting to be funny. Obviously, I didn’t find it humorous in the slightest. It’s at this point that I can feel my blood pressure rising because I’m slowly becoming that manic enraged thing I used to be when I was drinking and got pissed off. Decided to sit for a minute and try to calm down. About five to ten minutes later, I tell my son it’s time to go, the boys say goodbye (after begging for a few more minutes first, of course) and we get up to leave. At no point during this has he said anything to me to give me any kind of encouragement that we will be ok, that things will work out for us the way I hope they will. So, already long story short, I walked out the door, got in my car, and left without so much as a, “have a nice night.” Maybe I’m overthinking things as I am one to do, but it infuriated me. And while driving home I felt those feelings of urgency for a drink and almost slowed down to hit the store. I didn’t, and I also have not checked my phone since I got in the car, which if you knew me you would know I’m going back and forth with myself over that, wanting badly to go off via text message but also wanting to give him the cold shoulder. I don’t know what feels worse: being ignored or feeling like he just isn’t in this as much or as deeply as me.

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