I like having boys (men, but I call them boys) interested in me, who doesn't like that kind of attention? But I realized something, something I already knew it is just more and more clear…

Last night I was watching the Olympics and I got atext from a guy I went out with earlier this year. We only went out twice, but both times had fun, then he disappeared. I assumed that it is because he is very, very attractive and probably has girls crawling all over him and of course I would not be his first choice. That could be. But anyway, needless to say I was very surprised to hear from him after such a long time. He said he was busy and would like to hang out again, which is great with me.

Now. I started to think of the guys that I've been seeing this year (K included) and I realized that they are all wanting to see me on their terms and not only that, they are in between girlfriends and want someone they can just go to casually. That person is me.

My first reaction was flattery, but then I felt sad. I realize that I am just the choice of a guy who needs to get laid while he's in between the girls he REALLY wants. That makes me feel used and sad. And it's like, that's all I'm good for. I'm never the FIRST choice. I'm not the one anyone wants to commit to, I'm just the convenient thing to choose when there's nothing else.

How depressing. I mean, it fits in with my depressed life style when you think about it. Even if I could totally accept the fact that I'm an in-between, second choice, that won't last forever either. I still look OK now, but what about in a few years when I'm 40? I am sure I will not attract anyone even for last minute, casual go-to sex.

Ugh. I don't know why no one wants to be my boyfriend, but yet I DO. I am too much of a mess and too much of a loser for someone to want as a girlfriend. Who the hell wants someone with the problems I have?? I even think that if J and I dated, he'd not want me in about a week. Actually, that's true. The truth is even J who supposedly LOVED me, saw me as just a casual sex toy. Eventhough I rarely, very very rarely behaved sexually with J (because he is disgusting and fat and I don't like him like that) he only wanted that fun, friends with benefits thing with me, no matter what he says. He was not willing to sacrifice for me. He was not willing to be a real committed boyfriend. He just liked me because of the challenge. That made me mad. Iwas nomore than just a casual choice for J as for anyone else.

Sometimes on FB, I will talk toone of theguys I used to know at the JC and they will say "Weshould hook up sometime" of course. Why not? Just go to the available chick who will never have someone, never really be taken because guysjust see me as a piece of meat, only useful for those down times when they don't have who they REALLY want.