All the process I thought I had made really isn't alot. Well when it comes to people and relationships. I have always been awkward and uncomfortable around people. Mainly because of the trauma I suffered on and off most of my life. I used to want to be like by everyone so much when I was a kid that it would kill me when I felt rejected and unloved. I have slowly gotten over (for the most part) an accepted the fact that I will not be like/loved by everyone and vice versa. I guess in my “acceptance” it has mad me a bit harsh and intolerant of people's bullshit. Some “normal” people spend their time putting on this facade of look at me my life is peachy keen and nothing ever goes wrong in my life. I just wish people would not be so afraid to put themselves out there and just be honest about their lives and how things really are. I guess because of my trust issues I'm always suspicious of everyone. Makes it hard to believe that some people have this perfect life. I mean I know people have good lives but I doubt they are perfect. I am not trying to rub my struggles in people's faces either at all but I am pretty upfront and forward about most things in my life. I don't feel like putting a front would be a good thing to do. Seeing as all that shit is gonna come out and completely scare the crap out of people. Why put myself or someone else through that. I just wonder if there will ever be a day when I'll be comfortable in my own skin and actually portray what i feel I am and should be. I have come a long way from where I was 12 years ago. Because of this new empowerment I was able to leave my unhappy abusive marriage. I have been able to get all (well most) of the negative things out of my life… yet there is still something that lacks. My health isn't the greatest and maybe that makes it a bit harder to cope with shit. If i was well would I be more confident. Would I be better? Would I be able to work out again and feel more energetic, more comfortable in my own skin? I'll be going to get a couple of procedures done soon and I hope that I come out of them ok if not better than I was before. I get scared of getting worse and that my life will be over. That I won't be able to be a good mom. To be able to be a good woman for myself and for someone else. What can I have done to avoid all this shit? When I got out of my marriage the feeling was of one you can't even imagine. I was free I felt strong and independent. Like I had finally arrived. That I finally did things on my own terms. Wasn't doing shit to make my family happy to be socially excepted my peers or keep up with the Jones'. It wasn't all perfect of course but the majority of it was. Then I made the mistake of starting to date too soon. Idk if I can say it was a mistake but it probably wasn't the best idea. I guess the good thing about that is that I got to know what the real world was like in terms of the way people are and the way they play the game. I honestly didn't expect to find what I found. I mean I knew stuff like this was out there but not like this. Dating in L.A. of all fucking places is like the hardest thing ever. Idk maybe it's mad me a bit cynical too. I met so many people the first year and a half of dating. Thanks to dating sites. I actually met alot of cool people but lots of not so cool people too. People I would have never met before. Plus it got me to explore outside my lil town. So there have been some pluses and minuses to this. All good really. So where do I go from here? I give myself to everything in my life. My kids, my job, my family etc. I don't ever give to myself. I guess that's why I continue to get out there and date along the way. I have always had to be strong and handle business that I want to be taken care of for once. Is that a horrible thing to want? I haven't been doing it in the most healthy was but I guess I figured a lil is better than none. Probably not the best attitude to have. I need to get my health in order so I can go back to school, get a better job and be able to take care of my kids better without struggling. Lord help me. I have a long way to go. I just hope I get there before I'm too old to enjoy it all… Another all over the place rant. =/


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