You know what, I am erasing most of my first blog post. I just realized it was insanely depressing and dark. That's all I need; guilt for triggering someone elses' demise. (You shouda seen my original text, if you think this is bad.)

Lemme redo this thing.

I was diagnosed with chemical balance and depression back in 1994. It's gotten worse since then. A lot worse. I picked up diabetes in 2004. It's gotten worse, too. Add to that some severe injuries and a couple of accidents.

Yeah, my health is failing.

If I can't get my sugars under control, I face kidney failure within 5-10 years; or so the doc said last time. One of the most painful ways to die, I hear.

My treatment regimens have been fairly terrible over the years. No money for it. Most of the time, insurance wouldn't to jack for me. Pre-existing conditions, ya know. And I don't have the thousand dollars (or more) a month for treatment.

I am exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I don't live. I exist. And I am tired of existing. I am afraid to die, but I just want it to stop. All of it. If only for a short time.

There are only three reasons I haven't….whatever. I promised not to, a long time ago. I am afraid of dying. And if I go, my debts fall on my family.

Other than those, there's not much point to life. All I feel is pain, anymore. The only reason I keep trying, is that I'm stubborn. And I don't know what else I can do.

The title of this page caught my eye when I was googling for depression help. I have no idea what I'm really doing on this page. Venting, maybe?

I don't have any friends. No one. I am alone, and I will die alone.

I am exhausted. Fiddling with this page is distracting me from my despair right now. But when I leave here, it'll be back again. Hopelessness comes more and more frequently now, and lasts longer each time. I don't know what I'm going to do. We'll see.

Anyway. Hi, everybody! (HA!) Maybe ya'll can help me. Maybe not. At least I can vent here every once in a while.

1 Comment
  1. Sora13 8 years ago

    Sorry, I don't have anything to take my picture, so it may be a while before I can add one.

    I also have no idea how these blog things work, so if anyone sees me doing something stupid, just let me know.

    Criticism really doesn't phase me. It's all the betrayals and lies I've fallen for that really hurt me. I'm very stupid and gullible when it comes to people. Books and numbers never lie. Neither do machines. It's always people who hurt me.

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    0 kudos

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