You know what, I am erasing most of my first blog post. I just realized it was insanely depressing and dark. That's all I need; guilt for triggering someone elses' demise. (You shouda seen my original text, if you think this is bad.)
Lemme redo this thing.
I was diagnosed with chemical balance and depression back in 1994. It's gotten worse since then. A lot worse. I picked up diabetes in 2004. It's gotten worse, too. Add to that some severe injuries and a couple of accidents.
Yeah, my health is failing.
If I can't get my sugars under control, I face kidney failure within 5-10 years; or so the doc said last time. One of the most painful ways to die, I hear.
My treatment regimens have been fairly terrible over the years. No money for it. Most of the time, insurance wouldn't to jack for me. Pre-existing conditions, ya know. And I don't have the thousand dollars (or more) a month for treatment.
I am exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. I don't live. I exist. And I am tired of existing. I am afraid to die, but I just want it to stop. All of it. If only for a short time.
There are only three reasons I haven't….whatever. I promised not to, a long time ago. I am afraid of dying. And if I go, my debts fall on my family.
Other than those, there's not much point to life. All I feel is pain, anymore. The only reason I keep trying, is that I'm stubborn. And I don't know what else I can do.
The title of this page caught my eye when I was googling for depression help. I have no idea what I'm really doing on this page. Venting, maybe?
I don't have any friends. No one. I am alone, and I will die alone.
I am exhausted. Fiddling with this page is distracting me from my despair right now. But when I leave here, it'll be back again. Hopelessness comes more and more frequently now, and lasts longer each time. I don't know what I'm going to do. We'll see.
Anyway. Hi, everybody! (HA!) Maybe ya'll can help me. Maybe not. At least I can vent here every once in a while.