So…Today I had a meltdown, Usually I'm able to hide them until I'm alone or something, But seeing as I'm in the hospital and rarely have time to myself because of this, and just because I'm so over the situation, I wasn't able to hold it in.
Honestly, I burst because it's a mash of different things going on. And i'm used to holding those feelings, and thoughts in until they burst. So today was that day, and it happened with that one doctor I really hate,
I feel she's always accusing me of something and just provokes me.
She talks to me as if I don't understand, or that because of my history I'm a freak. I hate her so much, just the way she looks of me screams with pity. So today I didn't bother hiding my obvious annoyance I have with her.
and later when the doctors and team left, I broke down crying and felt like everything- like always- is going wrong. For once though I had sometime to myself and so I just cried until my eyes burned and I gave myself a freaking headache.
Afterwards I listened to music in order to calm down, But I also had the urge to cut…and Sadly I wasn't able to resist that urge and I made some cuts on my thighs so no one would see them, After that I continued to listen to music and cry.
I feel like such a loser. The music, Pain medicine and cutting must of made me really tired though I guess because I feel asleep and didn't wake up until just a few minutes ago. Luckily I had a dreamless sleep though, I'm surprised I slept so long though.
I never sleep, or when I can it's only for a short period of time. But now that I woke up my eyes still burn and I just feel so shitty, But I don't have the energy do anything else about it today. That, and I just got more morphine though my IV (not sure if anyone else has ever had it through IV, but because of the pain i'm in they're giving me a pretty high dose, and when it first goes in I get this like…buzz or fuzzy kinda feeling)
The nurse also gave me Valium though my IV, because of my panic attacks. So both of those are keeping me in a…Numb sort of state right now…
Honestly though I don't mind, I rather be numb at this point then have to keep fighting off the pain and other feelings that are inside, Even if I just feel numb for a short while it's better then nothing y'know?
Though I can still function well with those in my system…Obviously since i'm typing this right now, Well anyway I just don't want to deal with that doctor, and hopefully I won't have to for much longer.
I hope I can get this fucking tube out of me, and that I can return home and to the comfort of being alone in my own room again. We'll see how this week goes though I guess…See ya later I guess.