So, I ended up not being released from the hospital today, But hopefully I will be able to leave sometime later this week…Honestly it's been alittle over a month and i'm so sick of this place.
Not just the anxiety but having to make sure no one finds my self-harm marks or having to make sure I don't screw up and does something that causes myself to look like an idiot or to get anymore pity from these people.
I'm also still struggling with the loss of my Best friend…of ex-best friend Ali. I'm still trying to figure out if I could have done something different…Maybe I shouldn't have been so opened with her, Because she probably wanted nothing to do with me now since she knows how fucked up I am.
I don't know what to think about it anymore, I've tried keeping my mind off of it like watching Harry Potter or working on my stories, But there are so many thoughts and memories swelling inside my head it feels like it's going to explode at any moment.
I know people on this site have been telling me that it's not my fault for what's happening now or what has happened in the past, But I still feel like it is. I can't stop these negative thoughts and It's killing me.
I'm trying, Honestly I am but whenever I try something gets to me and knocks me back down or gets in the way, I can remember everything that has happened to me in the past, Every specific detail of any of it.
I don't know why I do this to myself, I even still have the text message Ali sent me dumping me as her friend, When I read it I just break down. I can't say my heart is broken because it's never been whole, There's so much I want to address, and I can't even begin to even think of how to do so.
Also, I'm not sure if any of you have ever had this problem or felt this way, But at times I find myself day dreaming about self-harming, or what would happen if I died. Would anyone care, and cry at my funeral? Or would people be glad i'm gone, and not even waste their breath and dump my body in a ditch somewhere?
And I usually don't have dreams, But when I do they more like nightmares, It ranges from having flashbacks to things that happened in the past, Or dreams like my thoughts coming true, for example that Ali told me she was my friend out of pity, but that she was pretty and wanted to have pretty friends, Normal friends and then I was being taunted by these shadow like figures that said I deserved all that's happened to me, and all that I do to myself.
Or I just have dreams like i'm in total darkness and sometimes like i'm endlessly falling, Just falling and nothing else, There's no end to it, and I feel like a shock go through my body when I wake up from those types of dreams.
I don't even know how to really explain it let alone explain it in a blog, But it's just one of many things bugging me. And the fact that i'm still in the hospital and not able to go home yet isn't helping, Like I said I just want to lock my self in my room and never come out…
Ugh…I'm giving myself a headache right now :/