Mums feelings are all I can think about, it's consuming me.
The things I've thought about:
A couple of weeks back we were watching dr. Phil, the one where kids and parents have negative relationshipd and he puts them into the dr. Phil house. There was one mother who resented her daughter and no matter how much she tried in the house, she couldn't let go of those feelings and kept taking her anger out on her daughter. I remember saying "how awful, how could a mother treat and resent her own daughter like that" (the mother resented the daughter because of who her father is) I was shocked at how this mother felt and it angered me, and kept running my mouth as I could never imagine myself in a situation like that. Though my mums reason for resent are different to that of the mother on the show, the out comes is still the same. Dr. Phil invited the mother back to the show to work on her issues, but that was to be the next show and mum said she really wants to watch it and see how he helps the mother, but mum couldn't watch it as she was flying back to work that afternoon… But now it makes sense why she wanted to watch it, because its happening to us, I only wish I had watched it… but at the time, it meant nothing to me, I wasn't happening to me, it would never happen to me. So later I am going to go on a search for that show and hopefully I can find it.
I have been googleing all morning to try and find a way I can help the situation in any way possible… nothing came up that helps, all it says is to talk about it… but we've already talked (to some degree) maybe we should talk about it more? Well mum flew back to work yesterday arvo, so not going to see her for 2weeks, so that gives us physical space, but we talk about 4 times a week on the phone and I swear sinse we've spoken about her feelings its gotten worse?? or maybe I'm noticing it more. I screwed up yesterday, it was her 40th birthday, I was so consumed and preocupied with what had happened the night before I had forgotten it was her birthday, I had remembered by that evening when she called to let me know she landed safely and I wished her a happy birthday but she just said "you only just remembered?" sadly…. yes I had only just remembered.
Another is, I got thinking about her words "I make a mockery of her hard work" I ruled out her hard work at her job as I know I say nothing bad about it and ruled it down to the hard work she put into me as a child. She kind of makes it sound like everything she put into me has gone to waste all because I don't have a job. A job does NOT make a person, she sounds like she thinks she's failed or failing as a parent, but just because I don't have a job does not mean she has failed of any kind. I wish she could look past the job aspect and look at me as a person, I know she grades jobs highly but a job is not everything. She has raised me just fine, to be a honest and trustworthy person, respectful, non judgmental, I didn't have a child at say 15, I'm not on drugs, I am not a big drinker at all, I've never hung round the "bad" crowd, those are the things she didn't want to happen to me… and they didn't, so in my mind she succeeded and passed with flying colours but because I don't have a job… all the above is forgotten about??
I have taked the letter writing into consideration so over the next few weeks I'm just going to put my thoughts and feelings down here and then go over them and maybe wright something up.
Thanks guys 🙂