every night is like a roller coaster. i say that because i sleep all day and spend my nights well..who knows what to call it..I'm a weak person. i'm not sure if people in general are weak or if it's just me, but i give in to my fears and hopeless self sabotaging mindsets all the time. There's this kind of slave-like feel to these feelings, sometimes it's legitimate, but other times i have to say. it's up to me to not give in. i know that. but i hardly ever have the drive. one time, someone knew me better than anyone has before. a young woman who had problems of her own. Before she lost faith in me, she thought that if anyone could break the chains holding them down, it was me. i'm beyond lucky to have had her support, because even though now it's gone. the memory lives on.
every day feels like i'm just dying slowly, rotting by hiding. hiding from myself, from other people, and my expectations of not being able to handle life. i feel safest online. in a place where my feelings and thoughts can be separate from the evils that i haven't stopped trying to purge in my crusades against myself. the truth is i can't just live online, or live by trying to ignore my own existence. i have shame. i have a lot of shame. it let it slip my mind how much that's a factor in how i act or live. and it's in that ignorance that i spiral further into my hole. as the woman who once loved me used to point out. sometimes doing the hardest things shows you care, and others doing the hardest things challenge the crippling thoughts that need to be challenged to a better place.
i've always been scared of doing the hard things. but when i think about it, so was she. her name is steph. the difference is that steph pushed herself through the hard times, while i froze. i admired her, and felt like a failure. i used to wonder what was missing, if it was some quality i didn't have, if i just didn't have enough motivation or heart to pull through..and i want everyone who accidentally reads this to think about this. you just have to let yourself have the chance, all the negative expectations aren't concrete, and that you are much more than you give yourself credit for. so please, please don't rot. you deserve better. shine like the sun, because we all know you can. or the moon, if you like the moon more. its the hardest thing to hold on to this thinking, and even moreso to apply it to yourself. but live life, because it wont wait on you. but now is never too late to make a difference…
i'm happy and sad all at once. i don't know how to make this kind of stuff happen in my own life. i have bad habits that i use to drown things out because it's easier until it's worse..y'know?…and it's always alright until the first setback….the last few years i've been a crybaby…but i've mostly stopped crying until tonight. i want so much to be different, but i feel so lost all the time.
in the darkness of space