everyone says writing whats on your mind will help but it really doesnt help me. I seem to think about things more. seeing a new counsler and not too sure about her but i have to give her a chance … she lets me vent really doesnt give me advice i really dont know what to expect from counslers. Im kinda figuring things out on my own but need some help solving some of my issues. Like i dont know who i am and i know that doesnt really make sense but im lost … if i had to describe myself only thing i know what to say is that i am a mom. i really dont know how to figure it out .. who am i ? another issue is that i have spent my entire life being someone im not always did what my friends did always did what my sister did never was me but how can i be me if i dont know who i am … starting to confuse myself. Even in relationships …. was never myself was always trying to be something my guy wanted instead of me.
I have the worst self esteem … i know how to fix it too but i have no motivation. If i just lost the weight and excepted the way my body looks (the scars) i would be ok. I have been through so much medical problems that i dont believe i will ever be normal. I take medication for my blood issues and the side effects are awful .. my hair stopped growing my nails are brittle my face is breaking out … making things so hard for to believe that i am pretty or will ever be pretty … everyone always says your so pretty i hate that so much.
Another issue is my family … one i have a family fight going on with my sister and everyone has taken sides which sucks and the fight is really stupid but my sister is stubborn and wont budge i have tried to make the attempt with her but she wont listen she is a control freak. the worst part for me is that my niece and son are affected … i am so close to my niece and now i barely see her i hate it breaks my heart but it doesnt fade my sister at all. She just had a baby another girl and i have seen her maybe 3 times its driving me crazy hurts so much.
the other issue is i have this need to make my family happy i hate when they are disappointed in me makes me sick. so once again i pretend to be someone i am not just so i can get there approval. driving myself crazy i have to work on this problem fast cause i am going to end up sick cause im so worried about it. I dont want them to know that i am depressed cause of what they might think of me.
i wish i wasnt so tired i really need sleep … i taking sleeping pills and they dont work. i really feel hopeless … i wish i had all the answers…sigh