This next chapter in my life is something that has been a long time coming. I feel lost and confused but the change was absolutely necessary. As much as I wanted my relationship with my ex to last, the harsh truth of reality is simply that nothing lasts forever. I guess this would be the stage of acceptance in grieving my relationship. The cracks were evident I was just too afraid of change. I was afraid of losing him, yet I did. Now I am dealing with the simple fact that a warrior walks alone. My codependence has always governed my life, needing to attach myself to someone inorder to validate my egoic needs. It never really did. When I fell for my ex, and proceeded in one of the most turbulent experiences of my life and then losing him has been a lesson in itself. I can't rely on anyone else to make me happy. I can't blindly go into the world searching for the elusive one that is supposed to change everything for the better. Looking back now my naivete is simply outrageous. It seems so clear to me now. I guess besides the heartache this is another parting gift from him, self-knowledge. I have always been so afraid of being alone, not having a man there to tell me how beautiful or sexy I am, or how intelligent and caring I am. The societal pariah, the cat lady motif frightened me. I always needed validation from someone else, someone telling me that I was worth it. Now loneliness seems a refuge, a classroom for learning what really matters to me and who it is that I actually am. Instead of putting all my energies into someone else, searching for approval, I am doing me. Gone are the days of pampered ego, as I learn that I am a mere mortal. It's ok to be alone and I am not perfect nor do I have to be. I am a mess and that's ok. The mission now is to take this lesson and apply it religiously everyday. I still miss him but I can't trust that feeling anymore. It is the remnants of my egoic wants for validation and I realize now that I have to let it go. If I'm going to get over my depression and self-hatred I need to let it go. I honestly don't know where my life is headed but I have to keep fighting for my own sanity. My deepest truth is that I have never been one to give up. Even when the chips were down and I was at my lowest points, cutting my wrists, standing atop a bridge, standing on the metro platform waiting for the train, hoping that it all would end, be it cowardice or something else I don't know, there was something holding me back, willing me to live. I am a fighter and I refuse to let life defeat me.

1 Comment
  1. Silent_Sigh 11 years ago

     You are a fighter. And life will not defeat you, I believe that. You are a strong person, and a wonderful person. Stay safe xxxx

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