blimy.. well 3 weeks ago I was happily married in ink to my perfect man and now
He had upped and left me , brutally suddenly, without warning.. 2 years of the only happiness and love I have ever known,

My soulmate, my lover, partner, best friend.. he's gone and there is a Toni shaped hole in my heart.

Grief is the lonliest place.. I step outside and I expect everyone to be in mourning.. silent..still.

But it's summer and people are laughing couples arguing,, kids playing.

. life is there outside my window but inside I feel like I have died.

I went to a summer solstice ritual yesterday and there was dancing and celebration for the power of the sun , yet I was bent over my body racked with pain.

I sent my prayers into the earth, silent prayers, to the earth to take my sorrow and transmute it, but I felt no comfort.

I have died my hair pink.. binned his pictures, and clothes , pierced my lip in the hope the pain of the needle would match the pain in my heart, but to no avail

His face is in my dreams, his warm body still curled up in my bed, and in those moments between dreams and wake, I am peaceful..

I go to my computer every day, as usual, and look for a message .. "toni loves Skye".. where it always was.. but no longer are his blessings of our love.

It is empty.

And I am startled into reality that he's gone and is not coming back.

So the tears fall .. and continue until I am shattered from grief.

..groundhog day, every day is day one of me without my baby.

I can change my hair, rearrange my furnature, shread the pictures, but i cant erase the thousands of moments that live on in my heart.. healing, loving, playing,connecting,, the dreams of moving to florida, chasing the sun..
The tiny things and the huge things.
Our language we shared, our universe.

And his name on my body is a torturous stamp of our broken marriage.
I wish i coulld erase it, but I'm not strong enough to just yet.

My tattoos mark my journey.. stages of life to lead me to who I am today..
I have wings .. broken wings.. but his name is the most significant mark I have ..
I found love, truth, touched souls, thought that this one thing that was given to me by the angels was forever..

I wrote a poem a month before I met him, and I didn't know why I wrote it or who it was for.. but now I knew..
I saw the end before it began..

this is the poem and this is for you.. my baby, my soulmate..and you never got to read it..

I will miss you forever….

BEFORE WE MET,

i KNEW YOUR FACE FROM CROWDS OF STRANGERS,

i KNEW YOUR NAME FROM THE WHISPERING WIND.

tHE RED EARTH HELD OUR BEATING HEARTS,

SOFTLY.

THE FOREST FLOOR WAS OUR MARRIAGE BED..

WE WERE WED IN GLORIOUS UNION…

BEFORE WE MET.

NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE,

OUR SKY,

ONCE FILLED WITH STARS OF HOPE AND LONGING,

NO LONGER CONTAINS US,

IS BLACKENED,

EMPTY,

COLD AS WINTER.

OUR SUN,

BANISHED FROM THE SKY,

NO LONGER WARMS US…

NOW THAT YOU ARE GONE.