I'm givin up. I'm not doing homework. I'm not goin to talk to anyone else. I'm not goin to join in the dumb activities at school. I'm done.
I offically give up. I swear, the harder I try the harder it gets. So forget everything that I said before, I'm worse, and I'm getting worse, and I don't really care.
Hopefully I die before I get too old. Dying young would be better and would most likely cause less harm on the impact on everyone.
I give up, if I didn't mention that.
I can imagine just cutting my neck and meeting God or someone special.
That would be so nice, the calm presence of a guy/girl like that would be fantastic.
I'm considering it and I'm not going to push it out of my mind.
I don't think I would be missed and they would probably just zip up my body in a sleeping bag and throw me over a cliff.
It would satisfy me. I'm horrible, I only think about myself and I pretty much should just end it right now. The only thing stopping me is that my brother is downstairs blocking the path to the knives.
Can't very well do anything if he is there. That would ruin my plan.
Maybe just…popping the screen out of my window and jumping out. It's only two stories though, I might not die, just be in a lot of pain.
It probably wouldn't even match the amount of emotional pain I'm in right now. Dying is close to what it is. Maybe worse.
i don't know what dying is like. Peaceful, I hope. I want to think it's like when they put me under for my surgery but I could only be so lucky. When they put me under I had a 2.5 second interval of panic before I was blissfully out.
That's the closest I've ever been to bliss.
My life is close from perfect and if I do end up killing myself maybe I should tell you how bad it is?
Like I said when I was 6 I had to keep secrets. I can't tell you who but someone close to me did drugs. And if I told on them they would have went to jail and I would have been extremely alone. Then there's the fact that someone else close to me is also into bad stuff. It's an uncomfortable conversation.
My uncle died 2 days before my birthday last year. I don't ever want to celebrate that day ever again. I hope by killing myself I'll feel better. And then my dad has had so many surgeries where I wasn't sure if he would live or not I think that I lost all hope in his last surgery. He's alive now, by the way.
Someone else close to me started drinking and doing mild drugs but it's hard to know. I looked up to the person and I feel like that…trust we had,…that mutual agreement that we would never do that…is broken.
Which leaves me with no one.
I can't lean on anyone. Everyone is so darn breakable and fragile right now it would be a crime to put my thoughts and issues on their shoulders.
I should just end this right now and then maybe I could get some peace of mind.
I'm not even safe in my dreams.
I don't even have that anymore.
I don't have control of anything and I want control, I want it so bad right now.
I want to be able to lean on someone and let them have my troubles but I can't. I can't put that burden on them. If I did…I would hate myself even more than I do right now.
I want to be brave and try and get help but I know I'm weak and I know I can't get help. No one can help me. I'm unhelpable.
I've tried so hard to imagine I'm a good child but I can't. I need help but no one offers it. You guys do but I need someone here, someone in my home, someone at school, just someone for God's sake that I can talk to, person to person, that won't flinch when I start crying, that won't fill my head with lies and tell me everything will be okay. Because I'm old enough to know that once it starts coming it doesn't stop until the universe decides it has pushed you far enough.
Well, I'm to my limit. I don't know who to turn to and hopefully someone will help me.
I've never been a big person on relgion but right now I would take help from anyone. Anyone that I could talk to, anyone that could be face to face with me and tell me how to take care of myself.
I can't do this on my own. I'm not old enough. I feel like I've lived a full life and then some. The things that have happened in my life would shock some people and repulse most. I can't….I can't.
I don't know what to do but if I go out I don't want it to be violent. I don't want anyone to miss me and I think that's why I'm still here. Talking to you guys. I'm hoping I'll here the best advice in the world and I'll be fixed. I don't want anyone to miss me because I don't want them to cry, because I'll know I caused them pain, and I can't do that.
I'm selfish and I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad, I just want this pain to leave.
Please, God, or whoever is out there, help me. Please. I really just need this. Please. I'm too young to know the answers. I'm too young to know how to deal with this kind of pain and I'm too young to understand it.
I just…need some guidance. I don't expect this to leave overnight but I need some help. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
I just really need some help. Please.