well today was new doctor day , Two weeks ago I had a mental health evaluation , and today they talked to me a bit more and told me I have ” Borderline personality Disordered ” already knew that , also have “post-traumatic stress disorder ” and they say I also have signs of being “Bipolar”……

And I have another med change , they took me off the effexor, off the Xanax, off the Risperdal , and put me on “Trileptal” supposed to be a mood stabilizer, and then I am still on the ambien for sleep……

/arg Monday the talk shrink is supposed to call with an apt. time… anyways have a lot to do tonight at home so will have to add more later….

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Well I am back …..

I am just sotra shocked at all the crap that is WRONG with me……

I hate life I Hate being forced to live it…..

I wish they had a place where you could go and be put to sleep a lethal injection, I guess prison , but my luck I would just get a life sentence and be forced to endure life……

I have no choice in this , my brain has made its mind up.. YES I know it sounds ODD it sounds weird to me.. but I have an odd peace of mind about it as well , like it is just a matter of fact.. anymore……

I just know I will die in the mext few months to years by my hand. and it will be a guarnteed thing if my son goes to prison for most of his life or is sentenced to death. I just can not live with that, the guilt I have,……

I no long belive in hevan or hell.. I used to belive in Good and Evil and I still do belive in “God’ and I belive there is a “Devil” as well……

maybe in my mind I have chosen not to belive in hevan or hell to apease my mind , since I have suicidal thoughts everyday……

and shrinks have told me that if I kill myself I will go to hell… I wonder what my new shrink will have to say on the subject……

When I die I want to be creamated and I want my husband to wear a little thingy on a necklace that has some of my ashes in it… sound odd??? I am not sure if it does or not but I want that……

Not sure if I want a head stone or not I am guessing ya can get one even if you are creamated.. I would want a joint one with Tobys , but then he will problay get remarried and his “New” wife will say NO and I dont want no new bitch burried bye me anyways … ok so NO tombstone.. I want No proof of my exstiance, all that will be left of me will be that little vial of ashes that Toby WILL wear for the rest of his life and get buried with it arond his neck or I WILL come back to haunt his ass…….

I do not forsee any pills they put me on “makeing me want to live” I duno maybe when Toby is back home I will feel different about things, and then yet again he is one of my abusers , not physically and not recently just for that few months back in 03′ after he came back from the war in Iraq, and totaly fucked with my mind.. ….

No one to trust ……

To Love me…..

unconditionaly, God? , maybe …..

will I go to hell for killing myself ???…..

I would like to belive NO!…..

My reasonings…..

1. God made me this way…..
2. hmmm see #1….

Anyways I just wish I could erase my life , I am going to ask my new shrink when I get to see her, if it would be possible to get Electroconvulsive therapy… I have read that it can make you forget stuff and also supposed to be good with getting rid of those pesky suicidal thoughts , ….

I think of suicide daily , not wanting to do it now but, more of something to Lust after to dream for to desire. ……

Simply put … A end to this Maddness…..

PS. I do NOT .. I repeat I do not blame anyone for my wanting to die.. Its my brain .. My thought process.. and I just cant process my life ……

And I thank Toby for loving me and being here for me till the end……

I will Always have Love for him and Jesse forever and ever and ever, long after I leave this body , my Love shall surround them in their Lives and after they pass, my Love will always be with them.. It is the one feeling that is inside me that I know is for real, as for the rest of me I have no idea, not even sure there is a me……..

Just call me DeeDee and then she is a stranger to me…..