Hmmm…not sure how to start this. This is the first time I have ever spoken openly about my depression. I am not quite sure how I feel about it. As a guy, certain gender roles prevent us from reaching out. Typically, we suffer in silence and self-medicate. A cycle I have been on for nearly 15 years. Wow, has it really been that long? Yes, I suppose it has.
This is worst it has ever been. I feel numb, do not want eat, sleep, drink, talk, smile, or even self medicate. That is so strange for me, the first thing I usually do is grab a drink. I am on meds, have been for awhile. They seem to work most of the time. But, this time is different and I know why.
It is because of what happened last night. Who I argued with and what she said to me. Of all the people I have met in my life, I never expected her to say thoes things. At that moment, I felt like that teacher was right, so was brother, and my parents. I am not good for much, I am a bad son, bad student, bad father, and bad husband. The one person I thought beleived in me really doesn't. I quit a corporate job for her, went back to college, and moved back to my hometown so she would be happy.
In spite of everything, "the last ten years have been miserable", "you haven't made me happy", "what did you expect? you make things difficult on everyone and you haven't accomplished much." Wow, okay, I know I have issues, but I always try. Well, guess what, I am tired, numb, and I don't care anymore. You send me texts this morning wanting "fix this". Fine fix what you need to fix to sleep at night. I am done. Oh sure, I will be around. I may not be the best father in the world, but I will be there for my son. I will see him off to school everyday and be there to help him homework and make him snack when he comes home. At least I am not a waste to him yet. When he is grown, we can deal with our issues, see what is left to salvage.
In the meantime, I am waiting for the crash. The inevitable moment when the depression hits me full force. I will be reduced to guy who just wants to lay on the couch and stare blankly at whatever flashes across the tv screen. I just I hope I want to get better this time. I just dont know yet……