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I can't help but cry right now. I had a good day – walked the dog, sorted my car rego, bought some pet supplies, cleaned the kitchen – all the while in a good mood. I felt motivated and happy. And yet I weep. I was so looking forward to my bf getting home, I was planning on cooking him dinner and settling into a movie. This was significant because I never cook, he likes cooking and I don't so I just let him do it.

He then txtd me saying he was going out with the boys, did I want to join them for dinner. I didn't want to but asked how I would get home afterwards anyway. No reply. When I realised he wasn't coming home my heart felt like it had been ripped out. Within the space of about half an hour my whole good day was forgotten. My stomach felt like an empty black hole that just kept sucking any good thoughts into itself. I felt sick.

I'm a social, likeable person. I hate being alone. It used to be that I would hate it at any time of the day. Now I'm handling being alone in the daytime so much better, I get out and do things and I get things done at home. But I still can't handle it at night. Sitting at home watching tv in an empty house is unbelievably difficult. I feel rejected by everyone. I can't do anything, I cant eat, I can't clean, I can barely even look after the dog, my faithful friend who is here always. I feel like a loser who has no friends, not that having friends would help because when I get like this I feel like that's how it's supposed to be.

I txtd my bf telling him I couldn't handle being alone tonight and that I had stuff planned for us. The absence of his reply just fed my emptiness. He just called a minute ago and told me he was still at work (a 45 min drive away) and that he wouldn't go out with the boys after all. He's on his way home to me. I could barely talk, I tried to act normal on the phone and as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. I didn't stop crying for 10 minutes! Relief?? I understand that depression makes us dependent on our loved ones but when will it end??

There is only so much I can do with my limited amount of friends (and money) I have here. Why do I fall to pieces if I know I'm going to be alone???

When will I be able to handle my mood swings!? Happy – sad – lonely – excited – content – depressed – hateful – angry…. when will it end!?!?

 

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