I'm going to try to keep this short seeing as I'm not as active on here as I used to be and I don't know who will actually read this. I just really need some mental and emotional support right now and I don't know where else to go. I feel like such a burden to the people that love me when I go to them with this stuff and right now is not a good time. My Aunt passed away last week after battling stage 4 cancer (EVERYWHERE) for one year. It's so hard to deal with, especially because I still grieve very regularly for my Grandpa, whom we lost to cancer two and a half years ago. My Aunt Antoinette was married to my Uncle Bobby for 33 years, and very happily, I'd like to add. She was a great mother to her son, and my cousin, Mike. They were all extremely close. She was such a lively person, always smiling and outgoing and very fun to be around. She had a knack for making everyone feel special, important, and so very loved. My most treasured possession, which has remained that way since I was FIVE YEARS OLD, was a Christmas present from her. I've always kept it close to me and don't go anywhere without it. I know we'll all be okay, I just can't stand to see anyone else go…

In other news, I do have my own apartment now, and it's great. That's one of the good things in my life right now is that I have a safe, clean place to live that is all my own. The only problem is that getting groceries is tough. Even though I qualify for "food stamps" (officially known as SNAP benefits here), I wasn't approved for them. Every time I mean to ask my church for a few pantry donations, I chicken out. Aside from my full time job at the library, I also work part time at the church and it's difficult to try to tell your co-workers that you're struggling financially. Paying my rent is more important to me than warm clothes and a full belly, but it's hard. I'm not very good at asking for help or going to people when I need to.

On top of all that, my depression has been a complete roller coaster for the past month. Some days I feel great and confident that I can make it, but then other days I blink and all I can see is [TRIGGER WARNING] myself hanging from my balcony by my neck. Sometimes I don't even WANT to die, but the thought plagues my brain like the disease that it is. Most of all, I get really lonely. On my days off where everyone is busy and I end up staying home, I don't speak to anyone all day and by the end of the day, I feel like I'm going crazy. Even now, I feel like I sound like a big baby for complaining about all this…I don't know…I guess I'll make it through. I'll find a way.