The past 48 hrs have been so surreal. I feel like if I don't stop drugging myself I am going to crash and die. I need caffeine and booze. I can't believe Kyle saw the letter, he read it. Oh my God. I have nothing left to say now, nothing more to do…
I am struggling, AS ALWAYS, with my feelings and fear from the past. I keep thinking over and over, if I'd done something different it would have saved me. This is my fault. I was too cautious when I should have been crazy, and now I'm crazy when I should be responsible. I can't get it right. Can't get anything right. I just don't want to crash again. I want to keep going. My body is going to pay for this. After a good night's sleep and now I have to poison myself.
When this afternoon, early, I was waking up from a dream that I was at a party with M. It was a crazy party one we might have at our best. I woke up and knew it was a dream. Then I fell back to sleep and went back to THE SAME DREAM. It wasn't another dream, it was the same one. I woke up hungover completely confused to what happened the night before I knew I was drinking and taking pills. I thought it was a dream. There were weird people around me, then I started to wake up for real and it was a dream. THEN I fell back to sleep and went back to the dream — the day after the party with M. Basically, this happened like 4 times. I did not know which was the dream and which was reality. Usually I wake up and for a few mins think the dream is real. But then I realize it's a dream. This time I kept going back to the dream. And I didn't do anything last night, no pills or booze even. The party was all a dream. How come it seemed so real? Am I finally CRACKING UP AND LOSING MY MIND?!!?!!
I was kind of laughing at it at first. I tried not to take it seriously. I got up for real and contemplated why I thought this dream was reality. Maybe it was because nothing too weird happened, sure the party itself was weird, but a lot of parties are. Nothing happened to tip me off that it was just a dream. For example if Lady Gaga had been there or if it were a party at Charlie Sheen's house, then I would realize "Shit, this is just a dream" but it seemed so real. I didn't recognize any of the people there except for Mariya.
The dream stayed so close to reality, that I was actually thinking of Kyle's text message. It wasn't one of those dreams where we were good friends or back together. It was the same message he sent me on Saturday, and I was still trying to figure out if I should reply to it or not.
Well ok. Then I ended up regretting my past again once I finally got up and got my daily dose of Charlie Sheen. Then I talked to Adam B. who is singing the praises of polyamory. Disgusting. Next I talk to NC who is complaining that he can't find the right woman to start a life with. I always knew he and I were very close in common. Thank God there is someone who wants someone instead of a lot of pussy. I just don't know what to think. I am trying to stay sane and going into a downward spiral. I can barely get through this month, this is a bad month for someone who wants to cut back on drinking. I dont' know what's worse sometimes caffeine or alcohol. At least I refuse to touch hard drugs. But sometimes I think that no matter what it is, just get me out of reality. Like this morning when I didn't know if the party was real or not… that is my idea of a good thing. It should be disturbing but it's not. I secretly just want to live in my own world, in my head, fuck reality. I can't take reality. None if it is going my way. Often if I ever do actually sleep I always wish I could just stay in the dream. I think it's amazing how I almost did that today for the first time. MaybeI will fall asleep and never wake up. That is just too much to hope for though.