…so the docs found a black spot on my best friend’s lungs… and its cancerous… he needs to stop smoking if he wants to live but if he stops smoking he could still die within a year… he’s already been fighting multiple health problems (not due to smoking) and is already living longer than what the docs had originally given him for his previous health issues that he managed to get fixed through an operation…. i’m freakin out;…. yes i am overly thrilled and greatful and everything that i still have him as my best friend and still alive but if he dies from this cancerous black spot… I fear i may die as well… he is one of the only ones that has kept me going as long and as far as i have…if it hadn’t been for him, i would’ve died any where from this year to 9 years ago… he is not only my best friend (and has been for 8-9 years), he is also THE LOVE OF MY LIFE…. i cannot lose him…. i have already lost many close loved ones to cancer and i  can not lose another one, especially him… i love him way too much… but i don’t want him to deal with the pain or anything… he’s a fighter and he’s strong willed and free spirited… he lights up my life and i only hope to continue lighting up his…. we had lost contact for a few years during our friendship but once we found eachother again, we were back to where we were before…. happy and very close… i’m so scared….. i haven’t been able to spend as much time with him as we’ve wanted…too many conflicts and stuff… but we love each other tremendously…. :'(     i am already iffy on whether or not there’s a God or some higher powerful being…and if i lose my best friend…. then i fear i’m gonna lose all hope, all faith, and all strength…. he has helped me with so many issues and i’ve helped him with his the best i could… all i can do for him is to let him know that  i love him and care about him, to show him support during this terrifying time and everything… i worry about how my breakdowns and everything effect him… i fear that my mental problems and everything may put too much of a strain on him, especially during this time and idk what to do…. if i lose him…  i lose everything… i lose my world….  i love him and wish i could spend more time with him… he’s stayin with a relative in a close state right now, so he’s only about 6-8 hrs away from me, but i’m tryin to find a job so that i can pay for school, bills, and travel… 🙁

idk what to do anymore…. :S