I think about suicide a lot and fully believe I'm going to die fairly young as it is. So far the most I've done is just stand at the railing of a high place at work and think about killing myself and how others would feel and then finally walk away.

I've thought about writing a suicide note for awhile but I am not good with my feelings and haven't known what to write or how to write it. I've been pathetic enough even to try and google the subject to get ideas. Tonight I decided to give it an attempt and just ended up with a list of my thoughts and feeling about myself but not really a note or letter. I've always been against journals even in psych classes. I actually walked out the first day of my HS class and dropped the class, in the first 15min after we were told we'd be keeping journals. I've been brought up under the impression physical/emotional pain is weak and not tolerated and it is so ingrained that I cannot effectively express myself. I want nothing more than to be able to break down and cry. I can't remember the last time I really cried. I've shed a tear or two here and there but it is usually forced and brings no feelings of closure or peace. So anyways here I am with my list and I would like to be able to make something out of it or to be able to write out personal thoughts or feelings to individuals, but my mental block of self conciousness won't even allow me to say what I want even though I'd be gone before it was read.

To be honest, for all my thoughts of death I don't believe I could do it but I thought this might be a good way to help me express my feelings.

Happy B-day to me

WTIL

1 Comment
  1. Naelmin 11 years ago

    I also came to believe that the wall between life and death by my own hand was just too high to get over.  I think about suicide every day, but have only twice been halfway up "the wall".  Do you have suicide fantasies?  If so, have you ever thought of writing them down?  This would not be for anyone else to see.  I have always found writing to be worthwhile.  Five years from now, you will be amazed at how much your memory deceives you.  But you have to capture today in writing first.

    As for crying, sad music usually did it for me.  I could not cry without it.  If you can't think of anything straight away, try "Broken Dream" by Hayward Justin.

    And happy birthday from me, too (assuming that's what you meant).

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