My goodness it has been a long time since I blogged, life happened and pulled me away. This is a good thing.

A year and a half ago I went back to work and rediscovered a side of myself that had all but vanished, that self assured, confident person that others look to for assistance. It has not been without its challenges but I lowered my horns, dug my hooves firmly into the soft ground and pushed against anything that stood in my path. I of course took time to sit under a shady tree and sniff the flowers.

Flower sniffing is usually done on a Sunday when I refuse to move from the sofa, bed, or anything that resembles a cool, quiet place. The rest of the week belongs to the world, chores and work.

I have been free of depression medications, anti-anxiety drugs and sleeping potions (that never seem to work, long live insomnia), for over a year.

Recently, however, I notice some sign posts that looked all too familiar and ran to the doctor I have been seeing on a drop in basis for various other ailments. Hyper-vigilance, OCD, internal rage, screaming at the top of my lungs in my car with the windows up at those I saw as useless humans who were on MY road, and always being tired are red flags for me. Thoughts of my parents, my childhood and other issues keep bubbling up and despite lessons learned to curb the thought overflow I cannot control them. Obsessive thoughts have brought me here tonight and I am blogging in the hopes that putting my words “out there” will relieve the endless cycle of thoughts.

Fearing I was once again under the influence of Major Depressive Disorder, I consulted the clinic doctor, Dr.G. Now this poor man had never been told of my deep-seated depression so was a little surprised that I brought my mental issues to him. He does not handle those sorts of thing, which I understand, and my request to him was to find me a Psychiatrist or someone with a specialty in said area. Dr.G suggested a GP at the clinic was taking on new patients and she may better serve me. I pointed out that I did not wish for a general practitioner as the last one who treated me for my depression had over prescribed drugs that saw me in the psychiatric ward for 2 weeks to wean me off them. I had a psychotic episode and saw silver spiders erupting from my carpets; at least I still had the sense to call 911.

I trust the Dr.G; he is a good man with an earnest interest in his patients, although he sees them for 10 minutes at a time. He has treated my chronic pain with Cymbalta and Gabapentin and not morphine like my previous doctor of 25 years.

Going to digress for a moment or two: Dr.G took up my file after the previous clinic doctor, Dr.Dale retired. Back in October, I had a bowel inflammation and Dr.Dale had sent me to my old gastroenterologist for a consult. While waiting for my specialist to book the appointment Dr.G put me on Cymbalta with Gabapentin for break through pain. Took the pain down to discomfort and allowed me to keep working without wincing visibly.

I take 30 mg of Cymbalta a day and have never felt better. Even my gastroenterologist, Dr Vibe thought it a great idea., feeling that the pain was probably nerve induce owing to the Chrones and previous surgeries.

Enough history, when I saw Dr.G regarding the mental situation he prescribed Ciprolex, half a tablet in the evening , he also had just seen the results of the second CT scan that had been ordered, informed me to waste no time in seeing my specials and to return to him in 10 days. The ten-day period ended three days ago, same day I saw the gastroenterologist and a mental health worked, my old friend Eloise.

Dr.G has increased the Ciprolex to a full tablet daily , Eloise sees me for a full hour on Wednesday and I am awaiting a booking with a surgeon to plan the next stage of my bowel issue, removal of a cyst filled appendix and lymph nodes on the submucosa. An Oncologist will be contacted if needed after the surgeon and Dr.Vibe will follow that up with another scope of my bowel to remove some scar tissue that may be blocking the regular flow.

If indeed my red flags are of concern, Eloise will ensure a Psychiatrist is contacted to manage medications etc. In the mean time, all my ducks are in a row as I have issues with more abdominal surgery. Let us just say I have “issues” in general.

I have been stellar at my job, instituting new procedures and building a strong, productive team, my boss loves me, and my co-workers respect me. My job will be safe no matter what happens and I want to ensure it stays that way by maintaining my usual positive outlook with the least amount of drama.

I am strong, I will rise to meet this challenge and if I fall, at least a safety net will be in place.

Now let us see if this flood of thought will ease to a trickle so I can rest. I really do not want to reorganize the closets for the fourth time today, really I do not, but I will if I cannot shut my brain down. Guess I could always wash the floors again.

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