I don't think any of us will ever be able to escape those over opinionated, self centered, self righteous, back stabbing, lying, fake, twisted, and just down right evil people in our lives. I only wish I could just stop giving a crap what they think and do. For some reason no matter how much of a stomach ache someone gives me, no matter how badly they drive me over the edge, I can't seem to stop caring about what they do and what they say. Not in a positive caring but in a running through my head every minute of how I could have done it differently so I wouldn't be sitting here feeling fed up and angry when I know they don't give a shit because they're too busy thinking about themselves and how important they are. I don't want to care about what I say and how it might effect someone. I don't want to care about what people assume about me or think about me or say behind my back. I don't want to care about if they know I don't care!!!!!!!!! But everyday its something. Even shit someone said years ago will come to mind and I'll be chewing it up and over thinking about how I could've verbally ripped them a new one with my witt and logic. But no, the way I am is I sit there and nod and smile and take it till they leave me alone for lack of me carrying on the conversation. Only a few proud moments in my life have I actually stood up for myself when faced with the great oppressor in my life. But night after night I sit here thinking, why do they think that about me, why do they look at me like that, why does my friend have to be friends with them? I 've had that problem my whole life. I don't want to share the people in my life. I successfully stopped my boyfriend from talking to any girl he isnt related to and that's as far as I've come. I tried to keep my best friend to myself but as we can see we don't even speak anymore because I refuse to come in second or any number after that. So it kills me talking to someone who has a lot in common with me as a friend and knowing she talks to someone who doesn't think highly of me when all I've done to said person is smile and make small chat about all her stupid miniscule life problems. When I graduated high school I really thought I was getting away from all that torment I had faced before with drama and people's endless bull shit but once I started my job a year ago, it was high school all over again. Lucky for me I've managed to keep myself out of the drama for once and now as a bystander I find that people still try to draw you in and make assumptions about your character and what not and it becomes a tug of war over friends and sides and its ridiculous.

I can't take it anymore. Everything is always piling up on me and now with all this crap my mind turns to drama channel to mull over what people could possibly be thinking about me and I keep telling myself, STOP CARING!!! What they say and do has no effect over me or at least it shouldn't! So why does it!?!? Why can't I be free from this one thing when I already have so much other shit on my plate. I feel guilty and sad and depressed about my mother. Due to my extreme social anxiety I have no relationship with any cousin, aunt, uncle, grandpa or grandmother. Not to mention my own father. I want to get away from him and his wife and her children and never speak to them again so I can finally be happy but I can't even not care about how that will make him feel. If only people would stop passing their idiotic stupid judgments on me and JUST LET ME BE. All I've wanted my whole life is independence from bullshit and to be out from under the thumb of anyone who thinks they know what I need or thinks they understand me.

I need to stop caring for my own safety, sanity and health but for the life of me everytime I get close to being aloof I get drawn back in. My gut gives me those feelings of doubt and my mind eats away at me till I just give into the thoughts and debate about what is so wrong with them that they do this tome. But I just want to detach. It was so easy to stop talking to my best friend of 7 or 8 years and yet I can't let go of someone who died 6 years ago. Even if I wanted that friendship back I feel like too mucch has gone on, I've let too much go to fix it now. Do I even want to? No one could be the friend I need. I have my best friend/boyfriend. I can't talk tohim about EVERYTHING but at least he's there. It's just difficult having all these thoughts and regrets and th eonly thin g i have to make it all stop is a drug. Something that coudl take away the few things I love is the only thing that is really helping me. My whole life is one vicious bittersweet circle, where there is a positive there is a negative chasing behind it. I've become so lost and the only goal I havve now is to get out of this house. which is probably good right? Small short term goals are a lot easier than large ones. Although I must say moving out is nothing small but to me I can't focus on anythingelse. The rest of my life is focused around that, because I believe getting out of here will set someone free inside of me, allowing me to be happy in some small way so that I can go on in my life and go back to school adn eventually get out of this town and away from the memories and the people.

If only for now I could just stop caring. Ah well.

1 Comment
  1. Solar_Eclipse 9 years ago

     I was really drawn into your blog. I could relate to some of the things you said. However it makes me sad to hear that you want to be "aloof" and detach yourself from everyone even family. some years back I perfected aloofness and detached myself from the rest of the world. Now i'm desperate to connect again. I feel lonely. I hope you find what your looking for, I really do. I hope you feel happy. I couldn't begin to understand what you are going through, but i do believe it could get better. 

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