I'm so sick of laying in bed, yet I have no energy to do much else. Yesterday was exhausting and I only spent less than 2 hrs visiting a friend. Everything takes so much out of me. My desires are to eat and drink. Why can't my desires be to get out there, enjoy the day, go for a walk… something healthy. I always WANT to do the destructive things like isolate and eat and get drunk by myself. Those are the worst things for depression! I feel like it takes me over and WANTS me to feed it, depression is like this evil entity trying to pull me down. I don't get it. What is wrong with my brain??

My body isn't really cooperating either, I'm sorry to say. My legs are absolutely killing me. I know the muscles are hurting after the work outs. What if I can't work out anymore because of my legs…then what??

I'm tired already and it's not even noon. I want to go back to bed. My thoughts keep haunting me. I know I need to get busy doing something productive. Maybe I will wrap presents today. I just wish I had more energy… It sounds funny, lol, Red Bull used to help me and now it just makes me anxious. My body is changing. Caffeine just feeds my anxiety, when before it made me a powerhouse of energy and I could do anything…

Well not sure what I'm gonna do now. It sure is getting cold. I really want some hot stuffing and coffee, but I know if I try to steal anymore stuffing I will get caught by Mom and she will kill me. She wants to see me lose the weight almost as badly as I want to lose it, maybe more.

I am dreading this week coming up as I've said. Work outs, carpet cleaners, errands to run. I just want to go back to bed, even though I feel like I can't lay there anymore.

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