Have you ever looked back and question a choice you made?

One doesn't need oxygen to feel like you can’t breathe. Onedoesn'tneed to rip their hearts out to know that there is a pain that exist like no other.

Today as I scrolled through facebook pictures of smiles and laughs, an emotion hit me. It wasn't one of happiness, but on the contrary, it was more like bitterness. As I scrolled through my old classmates’ pictures I felt as if someone had stabbed me. As if I once died and no one cared to remember me at all. It made my heart pound like the waves of an ocean at its full core. I stared at their faces, those faces that I grew up with. I looked at them and remembered what happened two years ago. I saw them smile while in my mind I saw them murmuring. I remembered everything that happened two years ago. I remembered the emptiness I felt when I was 15. I remembered how awful it felt when my “friends” will make fun of me because I always looked sad and had no charisma. I remember the names they would call me. As I looked at their current faces right now, I recalled how stupid I was back then.

I can’t erase what happen two years ago just like I can’t erase my depression. More than ever I needed someone back then and the only people who were supposed to care never did. My “friends” were never friends. As I look closely, I regret regarding them with such a high tittle.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my sister almost committed suicide. When I was a sophomore, my grandpa died. When I was a sophomore, I had friends. When I was a sophomore, I began to feel emptier than usual. When I was a sophomore, my depression intensified to a limit where I could constantly feel it penetrating my skin. When I was a sophomore, I felt lost.

Two years ago something happened that led to several other events. One of them, I realized who my friends were. They began to judge me to the point where Icouldn'ttake it. Their words got to me so much that I began to dread the days of my existence even more.

So what did I do?

Towards the end of the year, after all the storm had passed, I became even more distant. Over the summer I lost contact. My junior year, I never showed up to school. I moved to another district and switched schools. I basically packed my bags and left that school. I didn't want to come back because if I did, I would have seen everything that happened the year before. And when you are trying to forget and move on, you don’t stay in the place where it all began.

However, after moving schools I still felt depressed. I still feel empty and lost. When I see pictures of my old classmates enjoying their senior year, I can’t help but to compare it to my own. At this new school, it was hard to fit in and to this day I am counting the day until my high school life ends.

I tried visiting my old high school. I didn't make it to the door…. I just couldn't do it.

So now as I sit here two years later, scrolling through their facebook pictures, I can’t help but to think about what happened.

If I could go back I would make other choices. If I had the chance I would say more fuck yous than I love yous. If I could go back, it would be different. Iwouldn'tbe weak and I wouldn't be nice about it. If I could go back, I would have made a different choice. If I could go back, I would have stayed and fought for myself.

 

1 Comment
  1. Kimberblue 8 years ago

    It was sophmore year for me too when things changed and depression hit… I have no advisem just wanted to thank you for sharing.

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