"Its been a long december and there\'s reason to beleive. Maybe this year will be better than the last"

Counting crows

Today I would like to focus a little more on possitive thinking. people stuck in a rut see no hope for the future. They live with past memories of unchangable circumstances. What does this have to do with you? Well, anxiety is repressed negativity. Its a collective ball of all those situations you couldn\'t resolve in the past. remember that time you had to work late? That time your friends band was playing but you boss made you stay and you stewed about it for a week? Remeber the time your father got angry and hit your mother and you where too small to intervene? remeber when your brother died and you beleived that if you hadn\'t asked hit to stop at McDonalds for you he would still be alive today? Life is a series of random events. You had no control over them. You cannot predict what will happen and you cannot change what has happend. So, right now… This day, the glorious day in which we stumbled out of bed. I want you….No, I challange you to live HERE AND NOW. I want you to focus on what you really want and take it. Put your ducks in a row. Get a paper and pen and write all the steps you need to get what you want. You may want to stop smoking. Maybe you would like to be a better partner to your mate. You really want to get over this anxiety. Its easy! All you have to do is make a plan and commit. Anxiety is one of the easiest to fix with this system. Once you have made a plan and commited to it you will instantly feel better. Once you have made any plan and commit, no matter what your goal is, your anxiety will subside. because you are no longer in a negative fram of mind. If you plan to quit smoking and you focus on that goal, you will acheive! That feeling of acheivement will flow through out your mind and body and drown out your anxiety. This is true! any Dr will tell you when you are stressed or anxious, to develope a possitive hobby, keep busy with the things you love, look forward to the future and let go of the past. I love to reflect on past negativity and pop them like soapy bubbles in my mind. I will share a bit of my past with you here because i see this as something that defines who I am. I want you to see what positive, clear thinking can do.

I grew up in a small fishing comunity off the east coast of canada. we had very little, but so did everyone else. My father was a school bus driver and my mother had a grade 4 education. I remember our first house, it had no electricity or indoor plumbing. We would bath at my grandmothers house right next door. My father was an angry and abusive man. My mother was a timid but functional woman. When they would drink (my father never drank alot but my mother like to endulge on the weekend) my father would become violent. I remember a time when he broke 3 of her ribs buy kicking her with a steel toed work bout while she laid on the floor. People say that there families and horrible and I laugh. They have no idea what it was like to be me. I held on to these memories. I saw my mother as a fragile creature, I saw myself as a mouse that couldn\'t protect her. I continued through life getting meaner and angrier because I never want to feel helpless like that ever again. I would use this anger toward those you abused the weak. I couldn\'t stabilize it. I was angry at everything. I would argue with girlfriends until they would give up and cry. Everyone that ment anything to me always left in the end and we never spoke again. I had no male friends because something in me discarded everyone I could not control. Finally, I had enough. My behavior was no longer protective, it was very self distructive. So I searched my soul (I\'m not religious, I just mean the innner me) and I found where it was comming from. It was fear, I was affraid that if I let my guard down all those things my father made me feel will now be present in everyone I come into contact with. I realized that when I was not angry,I was terrified. So I looked into my family history. My fathers mother died at a younger age, his father was a vetran. I never knew my grand mother but I know my grand father was a stern man. He would march in the kitchen at 3am with a riffle on his shoulder, he would punish children by beating them with a huge legion book. After my grandmother had died my father being the age he was at the time was made to resume all of her duties. Back in the day when men where men it was frowned upon to see a man doing a womans duty. Remember, this is a small fishing comunity out east in the 1950\'s. My father went through alot of shame and self hatered and there was nothing her could do. He repressed those feelings. It made him angry, it made him feel small and scared even though he was a monster of a man. He was as wide as he was tall. He was weak on the inside. My mother came from a few comunities over and lived the same lifestyle. She left school during the 4th grade to help at home because her mothe had TB. Her father was a simple fisherman who drank excessively. He too was abusive to his family. So both my parents where damaged. My father saw my mothers weakness and knew he had full control of her. The first thing he\'s ever had control of in his miserable life. My mother ended up with someone just like her father because people tend to migrate toward the lifestyle they know best. When my mother drank she became the mouthy person she wanted to be. Completely opposite of her sober self. My father saw this as a treat and controlled her the only way he knew how, with physical abuse. This was the turning point for me. I beleived for a moment that this was right. This is how these people where made to function. I didn\'t want to accept that so I thought about it some more. My father controlled my mother as her father did. She wanted to rebel against her father be she could not. Now she is a grown women and she\'s drunk with no inhabition. Of course she\'s going to say all the things she wanted to say because she feels a little empowered now. My father had issues of abandonment from his lost mother, he felt like an object in a home with no love so he needed that connection, he needed to be taken care of. So there was no way he was gonna let my mother walk all over him then eventually out the door. So he hit her. he was affraid of feeling weak, he was affraid of her leaving him. Now, If my father had no feelings for my mother, why would he put in the effort? He could just get up, say F you and walk out. he could find another mate that made him happy. But he loved her, he acted out of fear and negativity cause its all he knew. Somewhere inside this ragging beast of a man was a possitve feeling. He wasn\'t 100% monster. He felt love. He didn\'t know how to control it because he was a broken man. I contiued to look back and see the moments like christmas when my fater was happy and we would ride on his massive shoulders, times when he was excited and it made him possitive and loving. I felt bad for him. He is now in a nursing home and he\'s all alone. Everything he thought he had to fight to keep, he actually pushed away. I called him before he was hospitalized and told him I would piss on his grave when he died. years later when he was in the nursing home I went to see him. He spoke of what I had said to him. How he ruined our lives and distroyed my mother. He said he has this desease (huntingtons) because god had given it to him as punishment for the man he was. My father, the largest and meanest man I knew felt that shame and remorse he had work so hard to discuise. He was a frail and broken man. My heart went out to him as I cried and kissed his for head. I told him I loved him because I did. He was my daddy. I loved my father, I hated the man the world made him be. This was a huge battle for me. Even to this day, as I write to you write now, tears stream endlessly down my cheeks. Nothing in life is unforgivable. And If I had only one wish for this new year, its that all of you will find this deep negativity within you and work to let it go. Just let these things go, let yourself live and love and grow. Learn to forgive because hatred is too heavy on the soul.

Its this that fuels my anger and hatred. These feelings that I felt overpowered every part of me. Although I forgive I never forget. I grow a little more everyday because of my drive to be better. Better for my self and better for the people around me. I swear to you from time to time, I lose sight of this and thats when I become anxious again. Soon as I look for the possitive again and plan to make something write it goes away. Don\'t just try this, use it! Live by it! Embrace you fears and hatred and know them. This will eventually allow you to pass through them. This is the science of psycology. It is 100% real and it will work for you better than any pill you can ever take. Live better and be happy this year!