Hi all,

I have, like all of us I’m sure, been trying to research about ocd, and the ways in which i can make myself better. My ocd (I’ve written a previous long blog on here for those that are interested that describes what I’m going through) is very much centred around the horrible intrusive thoughts (as well as my fair share of compulsions). But they are horrible thoughts and it’s as if it really feels I want these things to happen, I’m somehow wishing for them, not just in my brain but the pit of my stomach. It’s horrible. And quite often it happens when I’m angry/frustrated (in general or maybe having a really minor argument with the person whom the thoughts are about!) the and that makes it even worse because then I have that thought/feeling about the person and wonder if I do want those things when I’m angry. I know I don’t. I know I never want those things. I know I’d do anything to stop them from happening. I know I could never be angry enough to ever want those things. But in the moment it feels so real. Anyway, as I say, that’s just a bit about what I’m going through to set up my question here and there is much more in my previous blog.

So, getting to it. Everything I read and everyone I speak to tells me the key is in not ruminating, not asking myself the kinds of questions and wondering the things I wonder that I described briefly above. But it’s like a catch-22 in some ways. If I don’t "figure out" why I had the thoughts/where they came from, how can I truly believe and move on? Even though figuring it out seems impossible many times, if I don’t try then I don’t feel comfortable. It feels like not ruminating might help to stop me having more new thoughts but what about the old ones? How can I convince myself it wasn’t me without analysing it? And therefore, how can I ever move forward without convincing myself that it wasn’t my fault all the past times it happened?

I desperately want to get better. Desperately want to believe its not me. But how can I just ignore everything and not explain it?

Any thoughts very welcome… thanks xx