It has been so long since I have written in here. But i figure if i can write about the bad times then i can certainly write about the better times.

My meds pooped out on me over the summer. I absolutely wanted out of life for a while. I planned out an eerily detailed means of escape so no one could find me in time to save me. I did not want to hurt my husband most of all but I found a strange comfort in at least having a way out if I completely lost hope of even having a moment of release- not locked up in panic, or hyperventilating for hours straight at a time… my whole body started crashing in on me- ppl who do not have OCD often do not realize the physical pain that treads along as a relentless and unwanted companion… but there was always a fight for air, chest pains, migraines started, depression, the fight not to hurt myself, phrases repetitiously knocking the inside of my brain, constant diarrhea, periods four times a month….

I began to feel so hopeless. Fuck am I glad I pushed myself. I took a leave from grad school, I quit a bad job and started a great one, I started seeing my doctors frequently, I practiced many days of panic laden in vivo and imaginal exposure, I got on new meds, and I'm still plugging away. Holy shit it's been hard… saying "come on in anxiety, let's play together." But it's working!

In the past, where i tend to go wrong during a recovery process is that i settle at the OCD being tolerable…. that way I am able to avoid and distract myself because it is not quite as petulant but still unpredictable. I was satisfied with just taking the days where the panic wasn't so bad and dealing with the off days. This time around I am too scared of letting myself sink so far down again… of wanting death sooo badly that it sang to me like a dream and morphed into a comforting fantasy…. this time i want to go all the way and… not to be cheesy… but kick OCD in the ass. I know the anxiety will always be there but i am sick of fear controlling me. I am working on not being so fearful of anxiety through letting it in to my world voluntarily… and again- fuck it's hard!!!

But today, I feel hopeful. I am starting to get my life back. In some ways like I never had it before. The confidence is beginning to wade on in. Am i fearful it won't last- fuck yeah! Oh well.

And YOU GUYS! You guys are always comforting and supportive. Good times and bad times. I am so thankful I found this site and you all. And found a place to relate to others, be understood for once (ok now im tearing up a bit bec it can be so lonely with ppl around you not understanding and instead being critical), a forum to let it all out. Thanks!

Love,

Talia

4 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

     

    Dear Talia,

    I have gone through the rollar coaster of emotions you have described so well.  There were a few thing different and maybe accidental; but they worked. I went to yoga classes and learned some stratergies. Yoga breathing which are long slow controlled inhales and even slower exhales; which forces you to focus entirely on this task. I also learned slowly and steadily to master some of the challanging exercises.  What this did to me is help me develop a kind of discipline that I did not know existed.  When anxiety hit, I learned to focus on a mental image of peace and all being well.  I learned to well that when I had dental surgery, the dentist strapped a blood pressure machine on me and announced that my blood pressure was lower after surgery than when I first sat in the chair. I would use this focus and visualizations each time I hit a rough patch.  I thought os suicide as you did; but I was afraid of more pain, so I never tried it.  Now I seem to have developed an inner alarm system that tells me it is time to take care of myself and to shift my focus. Since you are getting better, trying some of these stratergies has become a possibility for you.  God be with you on your path to wellness.

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  2. salmendarez 11 years ago

    I sure do understand where you are coming from. I am so glad the therapy and new meds are starting to work for you! I am currently at the point you speak of in which you wanted to give up or have a way out when the anxiety gets so bad it overcomes your entire body. You are absolutely correct that it consumes your whole being. It is so much easier said than done to allow it to be and not fight it. This is the part I have always been somewhat good at until I became pregnant. I am in my 7th month and it has reared its ugly head worse than I ever thought possible. I brought me crashing down in a hurry. Reading things like this remind me that there is hope and I at times feel like I could not pull through without the support. Thanks

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  3. smh2010 11 years ago

    Hey I'm glad you're doing well.  It's always good to hear of someone kicking some OCD a## when you're in the trenches.  Cheers, here's to your continued recovery.

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  4. feeona1 11 years ago

    wow… what an inspiring post … thank you …. and sooooo honest….. please post again when you can

    feeona x x

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