It has been so long since I have written in here. But i figure if i can write about the bad times then i can certainly write about the better times.
My meds pooped out on me over the summer. I absolutely wanted out of life for a while. I planned out an eerily detailed means of escape so no one could find me in time to save me. I did not want to hurt my husband most of all but I found a strange comfort in at least having a way out if I completely lost hope of even having a moment of release- not locked up in panic, or hyperventilating for hours straight at a time… my whole body started crashing in on me- ppl who do not have OCD often do not realize the physical pain that treads along as a relentless and unwanted companion… but there was always a fight for air, chest pains, migraines started, depression, the fight not to hurt myself, phrases repetitiously knocking the inside of my brain, constant diarrhea, periods four times a month….
I began to feel so hopeless. Fuck am I glad I pushed myself. I took a leave from grad school, I quit a bad job and started a great one, I started seeing my doctors frequently, I practiced many days of panic laden in vivo and imaginal exposure, I got on new meds, and I'm still plugging away. Holy shit it's been hard… saying "come on in anxiety, let's play together." But it's working!
In the past, where i tend to go wrong during a recovery process is that i settle at the OCD being tolerable…. that way I am able to avoid and distract myself because it is not quite as petulant but still unpredictable. I was satisfied with just taking the days where the panic wasn't so bad and dealing with the off days. This time around I am too scared of letting myself sink so far down again… of wanting death sooo badly that it sang to me like a dream and morphed into a comforting fantasy…. this time i want to go all the way and… not to be cheesy… but kick OCD in the ass. I know the anxiety will always be there but i am sick of fear controlling me. I am working on not being so fearful of anxiety through letting it in to my world voluntarily… and again- fuck it's hard!!!
But today, I feel hopeful. I am starting to get my life back. In some ways like I never had it before. The confidence is beginning to wade on in. Am i fearful it won't last- fuck yeah! Oh well.
And YOU GUYS! You guys are always comforting and supportive. Good times and bad times. I am so thankful I found this site and you all. And found a place to relate to others, be understood for once (ok now im tearing up a bit bec it can be so lonely with ppl around you not understanding and instead being critical), a forum to let it all out. Thanks!