Found something while I was cleaning under my bed.  Something I would’ve been happy to find four months ago.

"Sunshine been keeping me up for days
There is no nighttime, it’s only a passing phase
And I feel pretty, pretty enough for you
I felt so ugly before
I didn’t know what to do
Sometimes is all I feel up to now
But it’s not worth it to you, ’cause you gotta get high somehow"

I knew the friend I was talking to was tired when he suggested that maybe I should take a sedative (translation:  I can’t talk you through this much longer.)  I try not to be a burden.

"Is it destruction that you’re required to feel?
Like somebody wants you, someone that’s more for real?
Sunshine been keeping me up for days
There is no nighttime, only a passing phase
And I’ll feel pretty another hour or two
I felt so ugly before
I didn’t know what to do"


So, I found a dub when I was cleaning under my bed today (a dub is a 20 sack, for those who are on the right side of the law, and don’t know these things).  I freaked out.  I wanted it, in the worst way.  It was so surreal.  I put it down, and sat, and thought for a while.  I thought about Ace, and how hard  I’ve fought to get this far.  I picked it up, determined to throw it out, but I had to put it back down.  I couldn’t hold it in my hand.  Eventually, it got dealt with.  i called my friend Jordan, and once he was on the way, I was committed to the proper disposal plan.  But, man,  I wanted that bag.  Ace read a note about the whole thing that he wasn’t supposed to see until after his poker game (I didn’t want to mess with anyone’s night).   I should have known – men don’t follow directions, haha.  I guess I’d be startled too, if he sent me an email titled, "READWHEN UR DONE WITH UR GAME," because that could be trouble.  Jordan came over and kept me company for a while.  Even after the sh*t was gone, I was still shaky – still struggling.  I never could’ve done this before – I am definitely getting stronger.  I don’t always realize, but man…  it was right here, in my hand, and I let it go without getting high.  I am clearly made of tougher stuff than the average bear (haha).

"I felt so ugly before
I didn’t know what to do
I felt so ugly before
I didn’t know what to do
Ugly before"
(Elliot Smith "Pretty")

This was written late last night, and once again, I passed out without posting.  I just rock like that.

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