Tonight, my best guyfriend came over.  We sat in my kitchen, and he asked why I had to get my own glass out of the cabinet- he couldn't get it.  He already knows about my mental health, so I explained that some dishes in the cabinet were contaminated, and I had to pick a good one.  He asked why, and how I knew it was contaminated, and how I would get things clean again.  I explained.  He proceeded to contaminate my kitchen with the contaminants in the cabinet. 

 

But it was ok, because he meant well.  He sat at the kitchen table with me, helping me fight back the Voices in my head, and basically being encouraging.  He went home an hour ago, but he's been texting me ever since, keeping me distracted, trying to help me keep from sanitizing my kitchen. 

 

He's a good guy.  He doesn't understand, not by a long shot, but he means well, and he's there for me where a lot of people wouldn't be. 

 

It's the weirdest thing, though.  He smokes weed, drinks on occasion.  Neither in excess, but both illegally.  I thought he must be addicted when we first met.  I was wrong, somehow.  He smokes for fun, and goes for months without it when he just isn't in the mood, or is worried about getting caught.  Admittedly, he drinks responsibly.  He's never completely wasted, only a bit loose, and doesn't get behind the wheel of a car for the rest of the day after he's had a single sip.  I have never been under pressure from him to do anything at all- offered, yes.  But he has never pushed the issue, and I have never accepted the offer.  Partially because it would mess with my meds, and partially because I don't want that to be a part of who I am.  He is aware of my rules- No alcohol in my house, and no smoking of any kind.  A bottle of vodka foolishly brought to my house once sat outside on the doorstep all night.  It's never happened again.  How can a guy like this be so good for me?  Yet he is.  I am just now starting to like the kind of person I'm becoming. 

 

He's so full of life and energy- he's spontaneous, funny, outgoing, fearless, everything I'd like to be.  He cliff dives.  Is intensely muscular from rock-climbing competitively.  Is always up for anything.  Dances everywhere he goes.  And instead of hanging out with other people like that, he stays around with me- timid, afraid of things that don't exist, quiet, shy.  I'm constantly afraid he's going to leave, but I don't know if that's my OCD talking.  I've made so much progress just with him in my life.  I don't want to be a burden to him- someone he's stuck with dealing with.  I want to be a person he actually enjoys being around.  Funny, daring, exciteable.  Everything he is, and his other friends, too.  Is him leaving, or deciding I'm not worth the trouble, a real concern?  Or is this a little ROCD, something I've never exhibited before?

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