I keep doing this same thing, over and over, where I’m drawn to people who are a bit unstable, maybe a bit volatile…but there’s just something about them that fascinates me, and I feel like I can see inside them and reach that really amazing person trapped inside all the pain.[br][br]And then inevitably I get caught in that pain – but I can’t walk away because I put myself there, and I feel like they need me, and I care about them and really want to support them.  And also, they’ve undoubtedly set me a sort of challenge: ‘let’s see how long YOU last before you give up on me, just like all the others’ – and God I HATE being like ‘all the others’, so I stay with it, time and time again, no matter how frustrated I feel or how hurt I might feel sometimes, etc. until I just feel confused and unsure what I want.[br][br]And then I just can’t keep it up anymore, I’m exhausted, so I cave…and then I’m ‘just like all the others’.  And they walk away from me, just disappear, despite all I tried to do for them, despite how much belief I had in them.  They just leave, because they’ve decided I’ve let them down, disappointed them, not lived up to their over-inflated expectations of me.[br][br]And here I am, wondering what even happened!  It was just such a whirlwind, and why did I spend so much time hung up on them and defending them to others when in the end they just did to me what they’ve done to everyone else they’ve ever known??  And most of all: why do I keep thinking ‘this time, with THIS friend, it will be different’?  I should know by now which types of people are going to stick around, and which are going to leave me feeling pressured and stressed out, or constantly guilty for not being ‘enough’ for them in whatever way.  So why don’t I just back off, when I meet these people?  Why do I keep setting myself up for this pain and embarrassment?[br][br]Why am I so determined to help people who clearly don’t want to get better??[br][br]I think the initial attraction of these friends is that I related to something about it.  That self-destruction…I’ve got those tendencies too. But you know, I’m more than that.  And some people…they just seem to BE self-destruction, rather than have it as an adjective applied to moments in their lives.  And for a while I’ll feel like, ‘Wow, this person really understands me like not many people do,’ and then I’ll realise, wait…they understand 1/50th of me…whereas everyone else understands more like 40/50ths (okay, not exact math, I know).  It’s just that that particular 1/50th is something I so desperately need to feel like someone GETS, I latch on to anyone who does.  But these people who just seem to be 98% made of what I’m only 2% made of…I need to stop stop stop.  I’m just so sick of it. Sick of them. In future, I should have a disclaimer: ‘if you plan to challenge me through our entire friendship, and then disappear when you’ve decided I’ve failed you as a person, please do not talk to me, do not entice me with understanding, do not say you relate to me, just STAY. AWAY.  All you end up doing is dragging me down and encouraging the parts of myself I most dislike.’

3 Comments
  1. rainingoctober 14 years ago

    I’ve always been drawn to "broken" people. Maybe because I feel I can relate.

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  2. buffster 14 years ago

    \..sounds like classic “co-dependance 101” hun..& yes it can be a dead end street sometimes..unfortunately some people have no conscience or sense of what another person
    feels..call it “basic inconsideration” for lack of a better term..I know that sounds synical however I’ve been on the receiving end of the same thing more times ‘than I can or want 2 remember..& it always winds up the same way..whether is a “nuturing” thing or just a “danger junkie” inside of us we need to fall back & look @ the situation & see if what everyone else is saying to us may have a particle ‘of truth 2 it..its said that “God loves a martyr” however it makes for a misable life here on Earth..best of luck with your future “projects”..\

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  3. fireball 14 years ago

    I relate more to broken people because I have a husband who has ocd and I am always wanting to help the way I cannot do for him.  

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