Life can be scary and so can change.

But I don't want to be me anymore, this nerd, thi santi-social person who people look down on who gets no respect. I don't want to be disrespected, I don't want to bend to others and feel reliant and hope and wait around for someone to notice me.

Today I went on a dating site for probably the last time. It's stupid, do you know if you message 100 people maybe 2 will message you back, you're probably really attracted to 1 and they're just gonna message you twice then lose interest. Whatever…I thought I found a friend on there, then boom, gone. Same with someone I met on here, they said they wanted to be friends, chatted a bit, never heard from them again.

Then my ex…will she or won't be acknowledge me on any given day? It's up to her, I can't try, it pushes her away, she'll come to me when and if she wants to. I've put it out as something to not worry about for now. If it works great if not I'll live.

I need a backbone, I want people to come to me, I want the world to want to work for me. Why not me? I'm not a terrible guy am I? I mean I work, I go to school, I pay for it all, I dealt with panic disorder, with getting kicked out of school, with getting dumped, with all of this. I'm tough I can handle it, i'll get through it all.

I just wish maybe socializing wasn't so hard for me, but I'm tired of feeling like I should bend over to make people happy. I think at this point I'd rather be alone than constantly put up with being told I'm doing everything wrong and I'm not wanted.

I'm getting better, I can tell, I know I am, and one day I won't need any of this shit in my life. The desperation or the feelings or the blogging. Just me and living and maybe if I'm well-off a wife a car a house a simple dream to relax and make others around me happy.