X came over Saturday night. It was probably the most confusing night yet. And boy do I have stories to tell now…
First, I have to "introduce" a new player to the cast – I'll call him W. W lives in the same building as me and took a liking to me fairly quickly. I told him that I am emotionally unavailable because of my feelings for X and he said that he's in a similar spot because of his ex. We agreed to remain friends but he said if I ever wanted more, he wanted me to know that he wouldn't be opposed.
W isn't a fan of X's. He doesn't say hostile things about him but he has attempted to drive home the point that X just isn't interested. But I'm hardheaded…and confused…and skeptical that W is unbiased so I went ahead with my plan to see X again anyways.
My goal was to see him and ask him what he wants once and for all. I expected him to say no, he didn't want to date, ever, and I expected to cry. So I had decided to be as calm as possible and let him know that he could leave if he wanted and that I respected his being honest.
I didn't get up the nerve to ask until later in the night but that doesn't mean it was boring… First, W stopped by. He wanted to gauge X's reaction to another man dropping by. W thought X should have gotten up to see who was there but that's just not the type of guy X is. W is a lot more formal and, as you'll see later, a lot more of a snoop…
Then, X said he was going to go to his car, have a smoke, and call a friend. He said she was having trouble with her ex-boyfriend being a dick. So I asked, "Do you want me to stay here?" He didn't care either way but I thought I would give him some privacy. While he was gone, I went down the hallway to visit W since he'd been texting me to see if I was okay. That was a mistake…
He asked where X was and when I told him, he got all excited and tried to devise a plan to snoop on him. He started talking about going out and seeing where he is and what he's doing and when I tried to interrupt to tell him no, he'd say something like "shh" or "wait" or "just listen" until he outright said "shut up". I gave him a look and he said, "Sorry but listen…" and kept going! He wanted me to walk to the exit and point out X's car. If X came back in while I was going out, W was just going to pretend we don't know each other and keep heading outside. Naturally, I refused and went back to my room. I'll be damned if he didn't go out anyways.
He came back about 5 minutes later and said, "He's just sitting in his car in the back of the parking lot on the phone, if I did something like that and didn't want anyone to hear it's because I'm talking to a girl". So I said, "He always parks in the back regardless of where he is, he doesn't want his car dinged. He told me he's talking to a girl, it's a friend and she's having trouble with an ex. He didn't tell me I couldn't go out there either." So he asked, "Why didn't you go?" I responded, "Because I'm not snooping on him, I'm giving him privacy".
When I finally got up the nerve to ask X about the situation, I got answers but not the ones I was looking for. I asked, "Do you avoid telling me things that you think will hurt me?" He said, "No". So I asked, "Do you avoid telling me to back off because you think it'll hurt me?" Again, he said, "No." He told me not to wait on him but also said, "Let me put it this way, I could have gone somewhere else after work but I came here". I asked why and he said, "Because I haven't seen you in a while" even though he saw me two weeks ago.
He kissed me before he left but never made a move for more while he was here. It was the earliest he's ever been here and the fastest he's ever actually come over. His work closed at 8:00, he was here at 8:07. But he left without giving me a yes and without giving me the no I was expecting.
W said the whole visit in and of itself was the "no". He had me near tears within an hour after X left. Since then, I've been moping. W tried to hang out with me yesterday but I resisted. He hasn't tried to contact me today that I know of and I hope he doesn't. I was so upset last night that I drank enough wine to actually get legitimately tipsy and I'm disappointed that I don't have anymore on me for another night.
I'm confused. X didn't shut me down even after I tried to give him an easy out. He commented that the guy who took our order earlier seemed to like me because he remembered my name. He also asked if W liked me and laughed when I said yes. He said, "I don't care or anything, just saying". So either he was trying to "scrape me off" on someone else like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe or maybe he was a little jealous? The latter doesn't seem likely to me though.
I'm in pain, immense pain, and I don't know how to stop it. I continued contacting X like I did because I had set a goal in my head – see him again, get him to say no, move on. I wanted that closure and I missed the mark. I don't know what to do from here on but this is the worst possible time to be this upset.