Lots of things are changing within the next few weeks and thinking about it is making me anxious and kind of sad oddly. I\'m not sure where sadness fits in to it exactly though. 

Monday, after 18 months of unemployment, I will start my new job. February 2009 I was laid off due to the fantastic economy. I\'ve kind of liked not working even though it put an added amount of stress on me money wise. But the new found freedom of not having a boss and someone to answer to monday through friday was nice. I know I need a job and I had been actively seeking employment but now its actually happening. I feel like i\'m out of the loop. It\'s been so long since I\'ve worked. 

And then a week from that I start fall semester. I will be taking 3 classes which is far more then I\'ve taken in the past. So now on top of starting a new job, I will be only 3 or so credit hours short of being a full time student. I am looking forward to school starting up … not having to take any math\'s and maybe kind of enjoying some of what I learn but the pressure of keeping my straight A status is going to be intensified immensely. 

With all of these stressors in my head I think that that is what is bringing on these heightened body image concerns. In the past when things get \'out of control\' I do tend to turn towards myself by limiting food and having bdd type thoughts. I was visiting my family for the last 2 weeks and I was letting myself eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and so that isn\'t helping my feeling fat thoughts. I\'m trying to resist the urges to not eat. And I hate to say this but I almost don\'t mind it. I kind of like it. It\'s something that I have control over, something that gives me visual results. I\'ve always said and believed that my eating restrictions are the same as cutting. You know its bad…you know its unhealthy but you do have some sense of satisfaction, a relief when you are able to do it. 

I\'m trying to keep myself breathing…taking one thing at a time. Trying to keep all of the disapproving and self loathing voices as quiet as possible. I just hope that once i\'m in it, once things start moving that I\'ll be too distracted to panic. 🙂 *fingers crossed*