I feel bad that I haven't been on here in so long, but that also means that I've been doing pretty well. Like I mentioned in my last blog post back in November, I have not been taking my meds since some time in October. When I wrote that post, I'd said that I was doing much better and that still stands. I would even go so far as to say that I'm much better than I was then.No one in my family knows and neither does my doctor, as he had to cancel our December appointment due to adverse weather and I never called him back to reschedule. While I haven't cut, once in a while a little voice in the back of my head reminds me that if I ever end up backed into a corner that I could always kill myself. I don't necessarily feel like committing suicide when that voice speaks up, it's just kind of a reminder that my depression is always lurking I suppose. However, I feel like I am well-equipped to shut it up and keep going on the right path.

A lot has changed in these past few months. I got promoted, for starters. I now work full-time instead of part-time, I got moved to the main branch of the library system from the small country-side branch I was working out, and I got a decent pay raise. The job is far more exhausting and even though I've had it for a month, my body is still adjusting, but I feel good about myself and the work I've done at the end of the day, so the pain doesn't even matter. It had been agraid among myself, my doctors, and my family that I just wasn't meant to go to college any time soon as it severely triggered my depression and anxiety, no matter what my course schedule looked like, so I was worried about how I was going to make a life for myself. Now, I have an actual career and rather than moving out of my parents' house into a small apartment, I will actually be able to buy a full-sized house that I could remain at for years to come. It's such an exciting thing to be doing. I feel good about myself and about the direction my life's going in. Iamin control.

Another big thing that's happened is that I believe I've fallen in love. I met this guy a few months ago, due to circumstances that put us in regular proximity of one another (you might even call it "work", but I'm not sure if that could get me in trouble), and we quickly found out that we have a LOT in common, ranging from hobbies to worldview to moral standards. What's even better is that the things we don't have in common are still interesting to one another. We're constantly learning, teaching, and growing together. For the first couple of months, I kept him at arm's length out of fear. I didn't have to be sneaky about it or anything; I told him what I was doing and he understood perfectly. He also told me that he couldn't lie to himself about his feelings for me and that he wasn't going to pretend they weren't there. He would respect my wishes but I should know that he was there for me and that he was on my side. I VERY slowly let myself grow closer to him, going on movie dates and dinner dates, texting more and more frequently. Then, near the end of December, I couldn't deny to myself that I always had a blast in his company and that I wanted to spend more time with him. We went on adventures in the city, saw more movies, and even spent all of new years eve AND new years day together. No matter what we're doing, lounging around or exploring new places, I feel safe, comfortable, special, and cared-for with him. The best part is, this is the first time I've ever fallen for someone while ALSO loving myself. I don't have these irrational fears that he's going to cheat on me or fall for someone better because I believe him when he says he admires me for who I am, because so do I.

On monday, January 12, I got on a plane to come visit a friend that I hadn't seen in almost six years. We've kept in touch via skype, texting, calling, and even gaming, but this is the first time we've seen each other face-to-face in that long. This is the first trip I've ever taken so far away without my family, or really any kind of supervising adult. I'm going on 22 years old, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I was immediately very homesick when I arrived here. My friend dropped me off at my hotel, I unpacked, sat on the bed, and then started sobbing my eyes out. I asked him to please just go get food or something so I could make a call and he obliged. I couldn't call my parents because they would have freaked out and driven the 9 hours to come and get me. Without a second's hesitation, I realized the next person I wanted to call was the man I mentioned earlier (the one that I've become quite taken with). It was in that moment that I realized that I'd been falling in love with him and coming to truly trust him as we grew closer. As soon as I heard his patient, familiar voice, I felt like I was at home and while I still had some tears to get out yet, I felt safe and I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew that a week from then, I would be able to go home and be with him again. A couple days later, we exchanged eager "I love you's" over the phone and it felt like such a relief to say it out loud.

It's still scary, for both of us I believe, and I still would like to continue to adjust to these feelings slowly, but I know that he's okay with that and that he'll accept me however I come to him. This is new and unexplored territory. My previous relationship, which was three years, WAS a very good relationship, I will admit that. But it was sprinkled with jealousy, lack of trust, anger,and self-hatred, and it was destined to fail becuase of that. I feel ready for this, in my giddy and tentative way. And if I can gush for a moment, he is SO. SMART. The guys that I've been with in the past have never been stupid, but this man is the smartest that I've ever shared company with and I love it. It's amazing how attracted I am to him becuase of it. He's well-read, has a college degree, and also works at a library. And of course, there's always the fact that he's hilarious, quite handsome, and has this warm butter voice that I can't resist. I'm scared but excited to see where this will go!