It’s 7:20 pm on Saturday, August 23rd.

I am at home, alone in my room.

I should be with my boyfriend at his cousin’s wedding.

I slipped. Relapsed. Had a setback.

I don’t know what happened. I’ve been doing so well lately it’s incredible. I’ve been really living for the first time in years.

I’ve been working, making friends, going out and being happy. And confident.

But I’ve been working a lot lately. I’m tired. And with my return to university being in less than two weeks, I’ve been stressed. I feel more vulnerable.

Ben asked me to go to his cousin’s wedding with him ages ago. I even bought a new dress and shoes.

I worked an eight hour shift this morning, then hurried home and showered, got dressed and did my makeup. And then I went to his house.

I looked really good.

Ben’s parents and older brother went in their truck, while Ben and I took my car.

The drive to where the wedding was wasn’t long, maybe 25 minutes.

But I guess 25 minutes is plenty of time for everything to change.

I had a panic attack. I haven’t had a panic attack in a very long time.

Ben finally gave up on trying to reason with me. He kissed me goodbye and said he’d be home by midnight, and then he left.

I drove home and cried.

I feel so bad for leaving him there like that. It’s different when it’s only me who suffers because of this, but… when his relatives ask "So where’s your girlfriend? I thought she was supposed to be here?", I wonder what he’ll say.

I embarrassed him. His parents and older brother knew I was with him… and then suddenly it was just him.

And I ruined his cousin’s wedding for him.

And now his older brother (who is 25 and a graduate from a very prestigious university with a double Honours degree in Physical Education and Psychology and Biology, or something) wants to play relationship counsellor.

He’s a nice guy, and I like him…

 

But I really don’t want him to see me cry.

Because there’s more to this than just me relapsing.

There’s also the little fact that I don’t want to kiss my boyfriend. I love him, but I don’t want to kiss him. He’s very cute and he smells wonderful and he’s the most loving and caring boyfriend I could ask for… but I don’t want to kiss him.

I think that maybe I’m just not in love with him anymore. Which is horrible, because he’s still very much in love with me. I do love him, just.. not the way he loves me.

And I can’t figure out if this is because I’m leaving for university (four hours away) in a week-ish, or if it’s just… because.

Forgive me. I’m a 19 year old girl. Relationship problems do seem like the end of the world right now.

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