For years I have been told to write about the way I feel. A few minutes ago I found this site that deals with people with depression and thought what the heck, maybe it will help to get some of what I am feeling off my chest. Hoping to find ways to cope without the antidepression pills.
I do not like feeling sleepy and doped up all day, then again I don't like feeling gloomy and crying all the time either. There has to be a way to just pick yourself up and keep on going no matter what your facing, I just haven't found it yet.
Most of the time I hide that I cry from my hubby because it only upsets him that I am not bubbly and smiles. I know he loves me and I thank God above for that. I don't expect him to solve all my problems. He is in the same boat with me. I want to make his life as easy as possible without worrying about me.
He is the one working and caring for me. I don't want to be a spoiled little princess. He calls me his China because he thinks at any minute I will shatter into a million pieces. So far I haven't shattered.
I think I crying is a good outlet. It relieves a lot of pressure. Usually I can go to sleep for a while after crying. When I wake up I have some strength to carry on.
Right now I am feeling very anxious about moving from a three bedroom, two and half bathroom, two story home into an apartment. It will be great because it will be one level, bottom floor apartment. It is all the work we are going through trying to get through the short sale on our home. The fact that we are not making any money off the house to help with our move. It is the anxiety of what else is going to go wrong while we wait for closing. Just Thursday the inspectors were here. When they opened the door to the garage the hot waterheater had busted and water was running everywhere. We had a lot of boxes get wet. Now I have to repack those items. We had to buy a new hotwater heater for the new owners who are getting the home we paid $173,500 for $87,000. That took money away from what we need to move. I hope they like the new hotwater heater. They were actually here with the inspectors when it all happened. Hubby had worked all night and then had to come home clean up the mess and install the thing. Life has been like that most of our lives. When is it going to end? What I hate most is that I am no help to my hubby in times like this because I can not stand for more than just a few minutes. I try my best to help just wish I could do more to help him.
What is worrying me too is that I help care for my mom with alheizmer's. I will be living some distance from her when I move. The move will help my hubby who is driving a long distance to work every day.
We told my step-father yesterday that we are moving he seemed sad. My hubby and I both offered to move in with them and help care for them. My step-father said no because he said it wouldn't work out it would make him more stressed having more people in the house. I thought it would relieve some of the cooking and cleaning and caring for mom that he has to do. He is 81 with a bad heart and emphazema. He felt too that we were trying to take over the house and his bank account which was not the case at all. He said his sister did that with his dad. It was not going to happen with him.
What is bothering me too is since 2007 I have lost 30 family members and friends. Just lost my brother in January of 2011 my husband found him dead in his home from a heart attack. My father had died last year in January, a few months before my father pasted both my father's brothers passed along with my step-sister. In 2008 my youngest sister died from Breast Cancer because she never had a mammogram. She was only 43. We also lost our granddaughter in 2007. We just lost a family member a few weeks ago that was the wife of my hubby's cousin. It seems everyone is dropping like flies.
I am so worried about losing my children and husband. It is almost driving me crazy even though nothing is wrong with them that I know about. It is just that with my sister and brother they were here one minute and gone the next. I didn't get to say good-bye.
My hubby doesn't take care of his self like he should and gets angry if I say anything about him seeing a doctor. Said something yesterday about a sore on his head that he has had for over a year and he started yelling at me that nothing is wrong with it. He also stops breathing when he sleeps. I can't help but worry because I love him. Is that wrong?
I feel lost without my brother around. For years I took care of him like I do mom. He use to call me at least 4 times a day. We could talk about any and everything, the same with my sister who has passed also.
So much to deal with. I don't want to write a book the first day. This is certainly turning into one.