You ever fall in love with someone for no reason. That’s kind of where i am. I have no reason to be so attracted to this guy. I mean he is very good looking, his smile melts my heart and the way he compliments me is sweet. I feel like I’m obsessing for no reason. I do this everything I have feelings for someone. I have it so intensively for a while and I want to pour my guts out to them. I can picture the different place I would want to go. All that imagining and i get stuck in the what if.
I like this one guy but he has other priorities right now like his son. He became sick in a way where he will have to have medication for the rest of his life. That is very intense. he is now moving back to the same city his child and mother of his child lives. He says his sons mom asked to move closer to help. Which I can understand. I got so over whelmed with jealousy. Not that he has to move but because he would make this move to be there for his family. I fully supported him of course and even encouraged him. But deep down I was angry with how she could call him and ask him to uproot his life because they have a child together not to mention how amazingly beautiful she is. we all went to school together once upon a time. they were teen parents.
I don’t know what it is about him. he so funny and simple. Im not sure if he remembers or if he has talk to other girls at all but we have been talking for over a year now. We have grown onto each other and now i cut communication off with him because I wasn’t all that sure if i wanted to commite. which I probably would have. which would mean I would be a step mom and I would have to get to know his family. He would have to met mine which is also a scary thought because my family is a reck.
I want to text him right now. I don’t want him talking with other girls I want him to be talk ing to just me. But because he is so attractive I think i’m not the only person he is talking to right now. and I’m not trying to compete for his time. I don’t want to compete as if I have to get his attention. I feel like if he felt as strongly about me he would have made it known right?
ON the other hand I would let him use me. I would let him lead me on for months and sweet talk me every time he wanted something. I have no reason to hold on to him but i am think about him morning noon and night. I think about him when I make coffee, when I work out, when I smoke, and when I’m doing basic things. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I want to be valued and how can I be if we barely talk about important things and What if I express how jealous and uncomfortable I am. is it even going to matter? What if I get rejected? Its going to hurt so bad I might just fall back into the same cycle of drinking and smoking again. I don’t want to go back to being sad. What is worse is I can face rejection. But what if he wants what I want? what if he says yes i want to be with you and now i am in a whole ass relationship?
Do i really want to deal with his bills and mine? What if i have to take care of him like i did the last one? What if his family doesn’t like me because of where I come from? I will never know these answers because i am to afraid to act on my feelings. I am to afraid to say what I want to say because I feel its is what keeps me safe and out of unnecessary drama.
I wonder if he is happy today. I wonder if his move when smooth? I wont if he ate today? I wonder if he thought about me? was he positive today? I have so many questions. so maybe this is better for both of us. i think….