You ever fall in love with someone for no reason. That’s kind of where i am. I have no reason to be so attracted to this guy. I mean he is very good looking, his smile melts my heart and the way he compliments me is sweet. I feel like I’m obsessing for no reason. I do this everything I have feelings for someone. I have it so intensively for a while and I want to pour my guts out to them. I can picture the different place I would want to go. All that imagining and i get stuck in the what if.

I like this one guy but he has other priorities right now like his son. He became sick in a way where he will have to have medication for the rest of his life. That is very intense. he is now moving back to the same city his child and mother of his child lives. He says his sons mom asked to move closer to help. Which I can understand. I got so over whelmed with jealousy. Not that he has to move but because he would make this move to be there for his family. I fully supported him of course and even encouraged him. But deep down I was angry with how she could call him and ask him to uproot his life because they have a child together not to mention how amazingly beautiful she is. we all went to school together once upon a time. they were teen parents.

I don’t know what it is about him. he so funny and simple. Im not sure if he remembers or if he has talk to other girls at all but we have been talking for over a year now. We have grown onto each other and now i cut communication off with him because I wasn’t all that sure if i wanted to commite. which I probably would have. which would mean I would be a step mom and I would have to get to know his family. He would have to met mine which is also a scary thought because my family is a reck.

I want to text him right now. I don’t want him talking with other girls I want him to be talk ing to just me. But because he is so attractive I think i’m not the only person he is talking to right now. and I’m not trying to compete for his time. I don’t want to compete as if I have to get his attention. I feel like if he felt as strongly about me he would have made it known right?

ON the other hand I would let him use me. I would let him lead me on for months and sweet talk me every time he wanted something. I have no reason to hold on to him but i am think about him morning noon and night. I think about him when I make coffee, when I work out, when I smoke, and when I’m doing basic things. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

I want to be valued and how can I be if we barely talk about important things and What if I express how jealous and uncomfortable I am. is it even going to matter? What if I get rejected? Its going to hurt so bad I might just fall back into the same cycle of drinking and smoking again. I don’t want to go back to being sad. What is worse is I can face rejection. But what if he wants what I want? what if he says yes i want to be with you and now i am in a whole ass relationship?

Do i really want to deal with his bills and mine? What if i have to take care of him like i did the last one? What if his family doesn’t like me because of where I come from? I will never know these answers because i am to afraid to act on my feelings. I am to afraid to say what I want to say because I feel its is what keeps me safe and out of unnecessary drama.

I wonder if he is happy today. I wonder if his move when smooth? I wont if he ate today? I wonder if he thought about me? was he positive today? I have so many questions. so maybe this is better for both of us. i think….

7 Comments
  1. plagueghost 8 months ago

    That’s a very difficult situation. It’s been a long time since I last felt that way about someone, but I remember how much it stung every time I was reminded that it would never work out. In the moment those feelings carry so much weight that we might feel that we’ll never move past them, but at the end of the day I think it’s important to remember that they are just feelings. Feeling like that can strike us out of nowhere, but they come and go like the tide. They are vast and powerful but they are temporary. I hope you are doing well.

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      littlewing 8 months ago

      I know what you mean. I have all these really big scary feeling for him and I just can’t get myself to act on them. Like as if I am giving the wrong kind of attention to someone. I went back and forth on this feeling for a long time. i don’t want him to think I don’t want to be with him because He has a kid. I love that actually because I don’t have any and he wont pressure me into having one with him. Its the fact that his Ex is so attractive and i get so discouraged that he could possibly go back to her. So whats the point of persuing him. I am doing this thing of try to trust my instincts. Its annoying but i’m learning.

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      • plagueghost 8 months ago

        Have you asked him about how he feels about his ex? She might be attractive, and I can see why that makes you uncomfortable, but if he isn’t with her I’m sure there must be a good reason. I’m sure it would be a very uncomfortable conversation to have, but the hypotheticals seem to be causing you a lot of pain so I’m wondering what concrete information is available to you.

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          littlewing 8 months ago

          Yes ive come to that conclusion as well. the thing is I have feelings for him when he told me he was moving I got scared I sent him a message kind of confessing my feelings. I know he read it when though he didn’t open the message, I let it sit there for a whole day and then I got nothing. So i Unsent the message and wrote a new one different then the other, he responded to that one. Thats where I felt the most rejection. I felt like he was only using me to keep him motivated or to just cheer him on and make him feel better. I am very happpy to do but the more I got to think about it.. I wanted him to be the same way for me. He would completely evade my questions or comment about my feelings. One of my close friends boyfriend is his best friend, he talk about the different girls the guy was talking to. I know we arent a thing thats why i never pursued him so intensively as I would like. I gave it a chance and I felt he didn’t want to give me an answer so.. I ran and chose the part where I wont get hurt if he doesn’t know how I feel but I have a feeling he does… Because idk a feeling??

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          • plagueghost 8 months ago

            It seems that you’re caught in a pretty painful spot. I think it’s the ambiguity of it all that makes it so difficult to deal with all your feelings. It would definitely hurt a lot to get a clear rejection, but I think the ambiguity is worse in a way because it doesn’t allow you to have closure either way. If he did see it, I think it was wrong of him to not give you a clear answer. The only advice I can think to offer is to try and get some distance from the situation, at least for a while. Giving yourself a break from it all can help you get a sense of perspective and approach the situation later with new eyes. I know it’s easier said than done though, I remember you mentioning how you struggle to think about anything else. Is there anything that you might be able to focus on instead, even for just a little while?

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          littlewing 8 months ago

          So an update he reach out to me about two days ago. I was very happy but I still don’t have any clarity. Is he reaching out to me out of feelings? he said he needed my support. He wants me to part of his growing process which I am happy about but I just wrote a Long message to send to him. I kept reminding myself That I need to know these things. I made a list of questions I had I can ask some questions later on so I only chose the most important ones. I have this weird feeling in my mind and body. As if I might explode from fear or curiosity. I’m afraid but its way better then not knowing. So I will keep you updated I guess

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          • plagueghost 8 months ago

            It must’ve taken a lot of strength to do that, it sounds like that was probably the best decision you could’ve made. No matter what ends up happening you will be better for it. If you need anything let me know, I’m usually free to talk.

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