i wake up just long enough to hear you tell me you'll miss me while you're gone, kiss me goodbye and watch you walk out of my bedroom and shut the door behind you. i'm too tired to reach for my cigarettes, so i fall back asleep.

i wake up to an unread text message. it tells me it's sorry for hurting me. it's raining out. a real rain. i grab my cigarettes.

i wake up to a few missed calls and a voicemail. i can't understand what the person on the other end is saying. there's too much noise in the background, their speech is slow and slurred and they keep cutting in and out. i can only make out the words "love", "fuck", "bitch" and "goodbye." i only listen to it once, delete it and light a cigarette.

i wake up next to a note scrawled on the back of a burger king receipt saying, "thanx again. come to jersey. -matt" and i start to wonder where i left my cigarettes because i'm almost positive i had fallen asleep with them in my pocket the night before and then i realize that the pants i'm wearing don't have any pockets. are these even my pants? and if not then whose pants am i wearing and where the fuck are my cigarettes?

i wake up next to a man with blue eyes that wrinkle at the sides when he smiles saying, "hey!" i smile my own lazy, lopsided smile and ask him if my makeup is smeared. he said no, but he was probably lying. i pretend to believe him. my sheets are littered with pieces of grass and i still smell like hose water. we stay in my cramped bed for too long. i wait until he leaves, rub the back of my neck, realize i don't have enough time to take a shower before work and smoke too many cigarettes.

i wake up alone. there's no one around to say they'll miss me. there's no one to kiss goodbye and watch walk away. there are no unread text messages. no missed calls. no voicemails. there's no note left on my pillow. there's no one to smile at and ask if my makeup is smeared. i look to the floor near the edge of my bed, hastily snatch up my pack of cigarettes and realize i smoked the last one before i went to sleep.