Life is becoming unbearable. I've tried to "hang in there" for over a year now. I've endured so many hardships living in Cali that I won't even try to list them as I can't even focus my mind enough to do so. All of the confidence and hard work that I spent years in Ohio working on is diminishing. I am starting to feel defeated. I have no way out of my current situation. I am trapped. I have been living in some warped form of denial for quite some time, turning a blind eye to reality. I am scared beyond belief. I have had many serious mental health issues for my whole life(maajor depression, generalized and social anxiety(severe), ocd, insomnia,etc). I worked hard and got to the point in Ohio that I felt as if I was ready to give life my best shot. It's not a matter of me not trying, it's a matter of the perfect storm of circumstances that has beaten me down and taken me back to feeling worse than I have ever felt before. I can barely function and now is the time when I somehow have to be strong. I don't want to admit defeat, but I am fu*ked.

I don't have money to pay my bills, buy food(including cat food, although I am stocked up for awhile), for gas money, etc. I feel like a failure, a lost cause, and a loser. I have spent years in therapy and trying to find a descent med combo. It was finally happening in Ohio, but when I moved to Cali everything changed. I had to start over with everything. Circumstances have just kept beating me down. I don't know if I can handle it. I mean that. I have always had that "no matter how bad things get, I'll keep moving foward, even if i have to crawl" kind of attitude. It's seeming hopeless now. There is so much going on in my head that I can't even focus enough to worry about one thing at a time. I am all over the place mentally. Things are getting drastic. It seems as if there is but one way out.

I thank the stars for my loving GF, family back in Ohio, and the few really good friends that understand me and what I'm going through. I can't let them down. However, I am in a situation that is unlivable. I don't know what to do except to live in denial until I have exhausted all of my recources and then just give in. People look down upon me because I am week mentally at the moment. They haven't been though what I have. And those who think they have, have no damn clue! I am losing my mind. I am truly fuc*ed and there is no way out. I worked so hard to get here and with a few exceptions, it has been hell. A year of pure hell with a bit of sunshine. I can't imagine losing what I have(my GF, my family, my cats, my possessions, etc.). I just don't know what to do. I am coming close to my breaking point…


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