My dreams are getting out of control
Dream about me and Chelsea going to a made up city. starts out with her randomly oncoming over and picking me up out of the blue. driving down interstate then driving a pink car hopping out with the car still rolling and doing some kind of stunt between bridge like lanes on escalator style freeway. walk into the city buy and smoke a joint laced with crack to myself. go into a shop Chelsea disapears into a back alley shop on a creepy dark deserted street. I feel scared…we leave shop and try to walk silently passed a building with a guy who’s high and drinking hard liquor butchering some random lady talking with his brother through the window and his brother is a floor down from him. the killer here’s and burst through the bottom floor entrance in 5 seconds. we run back to the shop. I know I’ll be safe if I can get there. Chelsea makes it in and leaves me never once stopping to check on me or looking back. I feel like I’m running through quick sand. I know I won’t make it and try to hide behind a dumpster. I’m shaking and trying to keep my hard breathing down. he finds me anyway drags me out into the middle of the street and rapes me. I feel detached and disembodied as if I’m above watching this happen to someone else. I beg hi. not to rape me as he rips my clothes off and takes his pants. I feel like concrete is on my chest I can’t move. he hits me. I think if I just go along like I like it maybe that will make it go better and less like rape. then the scene shifts. I’m in a car with Chelsea and a friend of hers. as as if nothing happend we drive to a girls lesbian softball team to fund friends gf so we can go by a huge shipment of drugs. I am told to stay by car and end up on a magic bus where the seats are teleport devises. there are lots of people. I feel trapped like I can’t find my way out. I sit and then get up and pace the isle I go back to my seat and Someones sitting in the window part of the seat. I watch the game and people outside of the window. I see friends gf and hit the window to try to get her attention. I see friend and Chelsea on other side of bus and yell and point they join up and come onto bus and sit in seat in front of mine and tell me to sit and stay. scene changes and I’m in the car. with just friend and Chelsea again. we get dropped off. Chelsea goes to monument to get drugs and do deal. we get high with needles. cops pop up surrounding us and we get arrested. Chelsea takes the rap and I get off Scott free. Chelsea is in prison. I visit and am aloud to roam the prison whenever. she gets out we get high.

I am in my house dad lives with me not the other way around. it looks exactly like the house I grew up in in NJ. I am trying to shoot up drugs but keep getting interrupted by my kids other random kids I know in my dream and my dad has company. the door is off the hinges and appears like poster board or thin cheap paneling my daughter comes in but is 1 yrs old again barely able to walk. other teen kids come in. I hide my needles and drugs under my hand arm and shirt on the bed I am sitting in front of by doorway. kids almost see them. daughter trys to play with needles and we fight over it. I get door to shut to keep them out. daughter comes in somehow through gap in modeling around doorway. we fight over getting needles from her and think fuck it. I let her play on other bed across the room and get high with needles. I hear voices and see random people (dads friends) through window and random pick ups semis and tractor parked oddly. I creep down the hallway. u am dressed I. raggedy PJs and hair is a rat’s nest all of a sudden. the men come in house. I see a cute one and run down hallway when he looks at me. into bathroom to do more drugs. I snort something. kids disappear like they were never there. door is same as way in my bedroom. keep getting interrupted trying to shoot up. I can never seem to actually do or feel anything high Like though.

now I feel nervy and edgey like I used to if I went a day without drugs but not going thru dts yet. like my body’s on edge and nerves up waiting for the drugs and high. things have been going good and bad lately. I had a cold sore which I only have when I’m super stressed. dad over drew bank account $800 we are screwed electrics not paid phone not paid car ins not paid…lots not paid house ins lapsed. I didn’t get the job I interviewed for and were counting on me getting a decent job or were fucked. I am getting the kids 5 days a week 3 of them overnights. but I’m scared because it will make it that much harder to support them. I feel like things were good and then all of this all of a sudden. missed dr apt and I’m sick with ear infection. some days I can hardly walk or have a severe limp and I have to act like I’m fine so dad doesn’t have that to worry about to. can’t afford gas to go to new dr. it either go to apt and don’t get my kids or kids and no apt. I feel like I’m drowning and I feel like such a failure and fuck up. I couldn’t by my criminal fines or po this month. if I do t catch up in 4 wks I will be going to jail. met with lady to help me find a good job. I and scared not going to vent on lyyn who has enough on her plate as it is. kind of talking to kendra again but not really we agreed to not hang out because she’s not ready to quit the pills yet. I have no one to talk to. I want to cry. I miss and want my Mommy. I don’t know how to fix anything and if I don’t im going to crack but can’t crack becuse I have to get my kids back and I’m so close to getting my kids back( will have them back in a month) I hate myself and my life right now. i want my Mommy to tell me it’s ok and tell my dad to fix it. but she’s dead and I dream about her as if she isn’t and treat her bad like I did when I was growing up and feel like shit all over again.i missed out on visiting g her more than I did when she was in the nursing g home. omfg I can’t breath!!


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