I was unable to find good quality sleep last night. There were many dreams in my sleep and they were all frustrating or scary or terrifying….causing me to wake up, realize it wasnt real and try to fall back asleep. Apparently (according to my husband) even when I was sleeping it was fitful with tossing and turning. Sadly this has become a good nights sleep for me lol. The bad nights are the ones I dont sleep much at all.
Maybe it was the poor quality of sleep or something deeper, I'm not sure……but this morning I found it impossible to get out of bed. Not only was it the last thing on earth that I wanted to do, but I really was having trouble moving. Several lame excuses (to hubby and kids) as to why I was staying in bed, a couple hours later and help from caffiene…..I was able to force myself up and dress. Yay!!! I always love it when I can win the battle!
I got the kids going for the day and logged into here. I had several messages waiting and that helped my mood so very much. In chat someone reminded me about breakfast and I ate breakfast….that helped once again!! The day was turning out to be a great day even though it hadnt started out well at all. I was still deeply hurting but I really dont understand why. The support from this site helped me endure though.
I stayed online and in chat the whole morning while continuing to work with the kids and keep my motivation up. At lunch I logged off to make the kids some lunch. A friend of mine IM'd me during lunch. I have no idea how these conversations come up but she and I ended up talking about my couple close calls with suicide. I tell nobody about those times. She happened to be around for one and figured out that I was feeling quite badly but she never knew how bad I was. I have no idea why or how we ended discussing it. It was rather hard for me (and I'm sure for her too) but we discussed several things and it really seemed to help me explore some thoughts and feelings that I had been afraid to look into alone. I generally dont talk that personally with anyone for many different reasons and even though I still feel a little anxious about having that conversation with her I am glad that I did. Its more than a little lonely to always hide how you are truly feeling from everyone. I even do that here, just not to quite the same extent.
After lunch I put my youngest down for a nap and the other two decided to nap also. I read some good articles and had some nice quiet time. When the kids woke up I decided to give them the rest of the day off. I cuddled with my youngest for a while and helped all 3 of them make collages.
Now I'm working on dinner. I think today was a very good day. I was able to overcome crippling darkness, stay up and active. Even though I took the time to examine some pain and darkness and cried deeply it didnt overwhelm me or ruin my day or suck me into darkness until I was lost. This is the best day I have had in quite some time and I am so grateful for it.
I dont know for sure what "normal" or "average" peoples emotional experiences are like throughout a day…..but I imagine that what happened to me today was closer to that than I usually experience. I wasnt completely overcome by negative emotions, even when I explored them, and I was able to find ways to be content today. I feel its a victory!